purplerabbit

[Poll #1270079]

If you click more than one box, it would be especially nice to leave a comment as to what circumstances change the answer.

* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the next two to five sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
* Don't dig for your favourite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

( The Company of Wolves by Peter Steinhart )

Once you put something in writing, you no longer have control over where it goes. If you then put it anywhere out of your own hands, then you might as well publish it. Expecting the internet, in any form, to be private is, at best, not logical, and, at worst, delusional. (See posts below for original context.)

I wrote these several years ago, and while I would probably word them more gently now, I am amazed and saddened that it is still just as important today as then. I really do wish everyone who considers themselves a friend or a would-be friend of mine would read them:

Well, things have been really strange for me lately. Bad news/good news strange.

Bad news - airshipjones bike was stolen.
Good news - He found a nicer one on Craig's List.

Bad news - I can't go on a trip I really wanted this Oct. because the money went on the bike.
Good news - I was able to transfer the airline voucher so that my sister Beth is coming to visit for my mom's birthday this month.

(Heads up, that means we will have my sister visiting Sept. 23-28.)

Bad news - One of my two primary co-authors and I have been in conflict a lot in the last six months, so we have decided to take a break from working together.
Good news - More time to work on original fiction, just as I got a letter from a publisher asking me to submit an original science fiction or fantasy story.

Bad news - I might not have a lot of time for anything outside my writing and my family over the next month.
Good news - I get to see my sister and I might have a paying book contract when done.

I will be hosting a party for swapping of used but still good clothing. Participants are asked to bring a snack and/or drinks to share. I will provide tea and some snacks as well.

I have over a dozen large bags of mostly women's clothing sizes M thru 5X to give away. I encourage you to bring the clothing that no longer fits or doesn't suite you to give to others. If you don't have any clothing to give away, don't let that stop you from coming. We have plenty to share.

How it works is that everyone brings clothing they don't want/need any more. Bags should initially be given to your host. Partially because I would rather not mix them in with my own huge pile of clothes I have already tried. Most the time we end up a ring of women in their underwear, all trying on clothing and passing them on to each other. I suggest you bring a bag to take your new goodies home with you.

All sizes and styles welcome. And yes, you can bring clothing that is not for women. Last time, we had bags of kids clothes which we put in a separate room for people with kids to sort through. So I would probably help if you had them bagged separately.

The clothing gets pretty mixed up by the end, so unless there is something special you need to keep if you don't give it away, the left-overs will be bagged up and given away to charity at the end. If someone wants to take care of that, let me know. I will most likely drop them at Goodwill otherwise.

Please RSVP, either through the poll, a comment or email. Space is naturally limited to some degree and I want to be able to have tea set up. So it helps to have an idea of how many to expect.

[Poll #1253820]

There are gnomes with spiked boots in my womb and trolls with hammers in my head...

Some of my friends call a period "Shark Week." If so, this is a big monster man-eating one like in the movies. That apparently doesn't sleep and doesn't think I should either.

My guys say that the grumpy factor is so high this time that it feels like a poisonous cloud when I enter a room. It's not just grumpy, it's I am going to tear your face off.

I can't even stand myself and wish I could run away when I am like this.

Can I please have my menopause now?

It's like a flaky relationship. It's there for a few months with all those nasty hot flashes and then it leaves. But then it changes it's mind and comes back for a few months.

Okay, enough bad mixed metaphors now. I am going to take a hot bath. Maybe I can drown the gnomes.

So I have had the trouble growing squash or mellons. Everytime I grow them the things grow nice and flower. But the fruit rots on the vine. So at the suggestion of a friend, we planted a pumpkin plant which has taken over a huge section of the garden. Every time I have checked it, the fruit was rotting just like before. So this last Saturday we decided to pull it out. I went to do so and found to my shock, two of the fruits have survived instead of rotting. And they are both bigger than my head! I am growing pumpkins!

I am having a bad day. The depression today is so bad that it feels like I am literally choking on it. I tried taking my usual nap and all I could think of was how disconnected I felt from life.

The image that came to mind was a beached whale. This isn't a fat reference. I think bodies of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. But the image is that the whale is out of her element, stuck. In the water, she is powerful and graceful and free. But on the beach she is stuck, weighed down by her own body, unable to breath for the lack of ability to move, dying slowly. I feel like that much of the time. The fibromyalgia and injuries have taken away so much of my ability to move, to participate in the world around me that much of the time my flesh feels like a prison. I want to feel pleasure in my body. Most the time I just feel such overwhelming fatigue and pain that the only way I feel I can cope is to escape into my mind, into my writing.

I have written more in the last two years than in the 44 years previously. Given I have written all my life, and been published since I was nine, that is saying something. Only a few of my "real life" friends have any interest in what I write, and most people seem bored if I talk about it. That leaves me feeling even more isolated. They ask what I have been doing and I have so little to tell that isn't about my writing. I hate talking about my health most of the time. It's depressing for everyone involved. So the only people who really talk to me any more are those who are interested in my writing. It becomes a kind of weird circle I don't know what to do with.

I sometimes wonder if if it is worth the effort to actually post here. I know it's at least partially depression talking, but increasingly, I feel no one cares to hear what I have to say anyway. Ironically, I have another LJ where most of my "friends" there are people who have never met me but who read my writing. When I post there, I always get lots of replies, even to the non-fiction entries. Here, it feels like what I say just disappears into nothingness.

The best things in my life are embodied in my family right now. Even then, those are tinged with sadness in the way my illness disconnects me from them as well. I don't feel I give them what they need. I am withdrawn and even my son felt that this time.

I would like to find ways to improve my life. I just can't seem to find them. I have such short and unpredictable bursts of energy. I am still coming to terms with the idea that I will never be the person I was or want to be. I am not satisfied by myself right now but feel my options are so very limited. For example, I have practically given up driving. My pain and energy are so unpredictable that I don't want to endanger myself or others. This further limits me.

A few friends have been wonderful enough to meet me where I am. Meaning they come to visit me here or take me out for short excursions. It's wonderful when people do that. I can go to lunch or to a film. I have a couple hours of "up" time if a manage it right. I handle one-on-one or small groups better than large parties.

Speaking of parties: In addition to the unpredictable energy/pain levels, I often hesitate to come to parties because I don't want to be a burden on my hosts or on my partners. Since I can't really go without escort to help me, I sometimes stay home so that my partners can have an evening off without having to take care of me. It would be nice for them actually if when we did go out, other people helped them with my care. I can't really get up and down, for example, to get drinks and food. Sometimes it helps if there is somewhere quiet I can lay down if I get tired before my sweeties want to go home. Or if someone else could give me a ride home so they can stay to socialize. Or if the party is one they don't want to go to, if someone else wanted to escort me that evening. I don't know how this would all work, but I thought I would put it out there since I know it is the stuff we have to consider when I go anywhere.

And, of course, I have to be comfortable enough to let someone else take care of me. This is harder than it sounds. I have had some bad experiences with it. Going somewhere with someone else requires a level of trust that I don't think able bodied people understand. I need to know the person is going to respect my limits and help me if I need it. When I am out, I need someone with me who will help me keep an eye on my energy and make it safe for me to stop before I push too far.

For example, last year I went to the movies with a friend. The film and socializing was fun and we were talking afterwards. Then the friend decided, without asking me if it was okay, to bring up stuff that she was unhappy with me about. I was already at the limits of how long I can be up and I felt ambushed. I can do processing, but only limited and not after doing something else. And not without warning. I wanted a fun outing with my friend and I felt like I got dumped on at the end there. It really ruined the experience for me. I have had others where I was out with friends and explained I was hitting my limit but the friends didn't listen and insisted on pushing on anyway. I just can't do that.

So this has been a bit of ramble. I don't know if it will help or not. I am trying to reach out more though. Maybe writing it will help me at least.

The boy left early Saturday. All three of us are in our usual slump that happens after. It's hard to describe how right the world feels when he is home and how terribly wrong it feels when he leaves.

It was a good summer. Lots of family time.

fairieboy read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series, a book on puberty and The Hobbit. He's started Fellowship of the Ring. We had lots of wonderful talks and fun adventures. He actually managed to beat me at Chess for the first time. Most days were quiet, reading and playing with our boy. Sometimes his friends came to visit or had sleep overs. It was beautiful.

We started the summer with his birthday party, which, since he was nine, is also a sleepover with a dozen kids. This year's theme was pirates. I helped him put together a costume which he dubbed "Captain Dragon." He looked fantastic. He has grown his hair out long. It's curly, unruly and blond. His Aunt Tammy brought beads of shells and skulls and I braided them into his hair and the hair of his best friend, who he appointed his First Mate. They looked fantastic. We hadn't coordinated it, but their costumes matched. She has been his best friend since he as three and they do make a great team. He had most of his favourite kids at the party. I made a pirate cake and uncledark had spent the month making boffer swords. Every child got one to keep. We fed them cake and ice cream and then sent them out to the backyard to beat on each other. Adults and children alike had fun with them. uncledark also took pictures of all the children in costumes so I can do my photoshop art project with them like I did a few years ago. It was a very good day.

On our wedding anniversary, we all went to Santa Cruz, to the spot where airshipjones and I were married twenty years ago. It is a redwood grove next to a lime kiln up on the UCSC campus. We stopped at Zoccoli's Deli and got lunch for a picnic. We brought the scroll with all the family vows and re-read them to each other. I think it means a lot to our boy to hear how much we all love each other and him. I was amazed at how well we actually have kept our vows. uncledark and fairieboy climbed around on the rocks and the three guys went down into the quarry for a while. It was beautiful.

We went back up again to Santa Cruz a couple weeks later. This time to Caer Ellilon, where the totem pole and Cat's Cradle are located. We finished the repairs on the totem pole, including touching up the paint on the faces. fairieboy really enjoyed the paining part. He also loves the whole story about how his parents erected (and recently re-erected) the totem pole. He likes the idea of it as a family legacy.

And movies. We went to the movies as a family nearly every week. Summer movies we saw included: Iron Man, WALL-E, Hancock, Hellboy II, The Dark Knight, The Mummy IV. The best was The Dark Knight, which we went to twice! fairieboy has also worked his way through the first two seasons of Babylon Five on DVD.

Toward the end of July, we were preparing for our supposed-to-be-annual trip to Seattle. Some of our best friends -- including ocicat whom I have known for 21 years -- live up there. We like to stay with them every summer, visiting the ranch and other friends. Last year things didn't go well and we couldn't make it. The year before that it had been cut short by a death in our ex's family. This year we planned an entire week with all four of us going up. Only my mother, redhatmary became ill. I had to take her to the hospital. This had happened back in April, too. I was torn. I didn't want to leave mom alone. Mom assured me that since she would be in the hospital and taken care of the entire week, we should go. I was very torn about it but finally relented. It actually went well. She has a good team of doctors, I called every day to talk to her and they released her just the day before we got back. She was able to get a taxi home and we had a friend house/cat sitting who was able to help her get inside. Thanks hopeforyou.

The trip was wonderful. Relaxing. I forget how noisy my neighbourhood is until I am at the quiet peace that is the ranch. I loved it. I love sitting there watching a herd of elk grazing in the yard and looking up at the mountain. But most of all I enjoyed being around our friends again. And watching our boy spend time with his parents. We played games, the guys did boffer sword fights with him, and generally hung out. We called up a friend who does massage and got body work for each of us. (Something we really needed after the fifteen hour drive up.)

Our only busy day was the day we actually went into Seattle itself. We had been very frugal on the trip. We only had one splurge -- we finally got airshipjones the Utilikilt we have promised him for years. And uncledark one too! They look fantastic in them, of course! Then it was off to visit some friends we knew in Iowa who now live in the Seattle area. Saturday we headed home. We were happy to visit but also ready to be back in our own space, our own beds. So another long drive down and we arrived home in the middle of the night.

The other big thing the guys did this summer was the Father-Son D&D game. fairieboy has gotten really into it and asked his daddies run a game for him over the summer. The neighbourhood kid and his dad joined them. They ran about half the Sundays of the summer and had a blast.

Overall, it was, like most summers with the boy -- marvellous. He is growing so fast and I am always delighted by him. Puberty is definitely underway and I can see already the outline of the man he will become.

Now we struggle to go back to life without the boy for the next few months. I will try to catch up on bureaucratic work I have put off and other chores. And throw myself into my writing to keep my spirits up.

I haven't read this LJ in a month.

I read my writing one everyday. Since I post new fiction several times a week. And read and comment on other people's fiction.

But when I try to log on to the one that has my friends, that talks about real life. I freeze up. I feel sick.

Tonight I did.

I was only able to make it back a week, skimming, before the depression overwhelmed me.

I know what part of it is. A big part of it.

I feel like life passes my by while I sit here.

My illness makes me a spectator unable to do what most people do. Unable to do what I used to do.

So I would rather immerse myself in the fictional words I create.

There I am still a participant. There I still feel alive.