purplerabbit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purplerabbit) wrote2005-10-23 01:59 am
purplerabbit) wrote2005-10-23 01:59 am
(no subject)
Nearly 2 AM and I find myself in a circular rumination. Am I depressed because I have no energy? Or do I lack energy because I am depressed? Actually, I lack energy because extreme fatigue is an aspect of fibromyalgia. I am depressed because I haven't the energy to do the things I want to do. So many idea and so little time in which I am functional. Sometimes I think I am sleeping my life away.
Yeah, one of those days. My pain has increased again. Last night I tossed and turned last night, only to then sleep most of today. I had so many ideas of how to spend my day and then got to do none of them. Now I am reluctant to go to sleep because I want to do something besides sleep.
And then there is the isolation aspect. I spend large amounts of time alone these days. Even when others are here. Instead of going out with my guys today, I slept. Instead of spending my time socializing with even my partners, I spend the time listening to TV while I did mending. I love to sew, but I often end up mending instead of creating. I am glad to have some of my clothes back, as I know the guys and my mom will be. But I am bored. Bored with myself. Yet I rarely want to be with people any more. They require so much energy to maintain the needed dance of interaction. I just don't often feel competent to keep up.
Yeah, one of those days. My pain has increased again. Last night I tossed and turned last night, only to then sleep most of today. I had so many ideas of how to spend my day and then got to do none of them. Now I am reluctant to go to sleep because I want to do something besides sleep.
And then there is the isolation aspect. I spend large amounts of time alone these days. Even when others are here. Instead of going out with my guys today, I slept. Instead of spending my time socializing with even my partners, I spend the time listening to TV while I did mending. I love to sew, but I often end up mending instead of creating. I am glad to have some of my clothes back, as I know the guys and my mom will be. But I am bored. Bored with myself. Yet I rarely want to be with people any more. They require so much energy to maintain the needed dance of interaction. I just don't often feel competent to keep up.
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If you want space and time to yourself, that is okay.
If you want "companionable silence," where people sit in the same room and work on projects and focus more on that than on one another, that is okay too. No need to "entertain."
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