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Oct. 23rd, 2005 01:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitNearly 2 AM and I find myself in a circular rumination. Am I depressed because I have no energy? Or do I lack energy because I am depressed? Actually, I lack energy because extreme fatigue is an aspect of fibromyalgia. I am depressed because I haven't the energy to do the things I want to do. So many idea and so little time in which I am functional. Sometimes I think I am sleeping my life away.
Yeah, one of those days. My pain has increased again. Last night I tossed and turned last night, only to then sleep most of today. I had so many ideas of how to spend my day and then got to do none of them. Now I am reluctant to go to sleep because I want to do something besides sleep.
And then there is the isolation aspect. I spend large amounts of time alone these days. Even when others are here. Instead of going out with my guys today, I slept. Instead of spending my time socializing with even my partners, I spend the time listening to TV while I did mending. I love to sew, but I often end up mending instead of creating. I am glad to have some of my clothes back, as I know the guys and my mom will be. But I am bored. Bored with myself. Yet I rarely want to be with people any more. They require so much energy to maintain the needed dance of interaction. I just don't often feel competent to keep up.
Yeah, one of those days. My pain has increased again. Last night I tossed and turned last night, only to then sleep most of today. I had so many ideas of how to spend my day and then got to do none of them. Now I am reluctant to go to sleep because I want to do something besides sleep.
And then there is the isolation aspect. I spend large amounts of time alone these days. Even when others are here. Instead of going out with my guys today, I slept. Instead of spending my time socializing with even my partners, I spend the time listening to TV while I did mending. I love to sew, but I often end up mending instead of creating. I am glad to have some of my clothes back, as I know the guys and my mom will be. But I am bored. Bored with myself. Yet I rarely want to be with people any more. They require so much energy to maintain the needed dance of interaction. I just don't often feel competent to keep up.
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Date: 2005-10-23 04:13 pm (UTC)