(no subject)

[purplerabbit]

I have been frequently (and particularly recently) shocked at the number of married people who seem to make major life decisions without first having the agreement (or sometimes even input) of their spouse(s). Or feel justified in withholding important information from their spouse(s). I don't understand how they can even begin to justify such behavior.

Two sections from our family Commitment Agreement include:

We make all major decisions by consensus. .... Major decisions include financial, legal, medical, parenting, time managment, relationships, and household resources.

We have a commitment to honesty including full disclosure to each other. We do not withhold important information from each other. We will not make promises to other people that include lying to or lies of omission from each other.

So I have some questions for my friends here:

1. If you are in a committed relationship, are these provisions part of your marriage/commitment agreement? Why or why not?


2. If you are not in a currently in a committed relationship, would these be part of an agreement you would make? Why or why not?


3. If you and your committed partner have not discussed the details of what your commitment to each other entails, why or why not?

Please keep your comments civil. I really want to hear how folks deal with these issues.

Comments

[thats-ms-dragon.livejournal.com]

We make all major decisions by consensus. .... Major decisions include financial, legal, medical, parenting, time managment, relationships, and household resources.

We had this as the stated ideal but many decisions were made by one person because of time issues or knowledge. It in fact was probably the most destructive thing in our relationship to be honest. We would sit down and discuss this, but the decisions were never unanimous and the ones that were most significant, the person who cared the most or had the time ended up doing whatever zie wanted. It sucked.

Currently, Ag and I are trying to make sure that this is what we are doing. We are informing each other of even insignificant decisions so that they are not a shock or surprise to either of us. We are talking about possibilities and potential issues even before they arise. I know what he is thinking about and what would happen if I did certain things. I also know what his expectations are. It is working better for us.


We have a commitment to honesty including full disclosure to each other. We do not withhold important information from each other. We will not make promises to other people that include lying to or lies of omission from each other.

I think my lying to Ag or being deceptive to him right now would be a deal ender. I don't want to ever do it. I know that if I was in a relationship with anyone in the future and zie started lying to me or being deceptive or excluding me from zie's life, I would cut the relationship totally. I will not put up with it. Lying is the deal breaker. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.



I think these are great points to have. I don't have a written relationship agreement at this time. I don't know if I need one in the current relationship, but would not object to one if it was proposed. It does make a lot of sense in some ways. I just know that our lives are in such a state of flux right now that I don't want to rock the boat too much or make an agreement that would need to change in just a few months after we go through the process of formulating one.