(no subject)

[purplerabbit]

I have been frequently (and particularly recently) shocked at the number of married people who seem to make major life decisions without first having the agreement (or sometimes even input) of their spouse(s). Or feel justified in withholding important information from their spouse(s). I don't understand how they can even begin to justify such behavior.

Two sections from our family Commitment Agreement include:

We make all major decisions by consensus. .... Major decisions include financial, legal, medical, parenting, time managment, relationships, and household resources.

We have a commitment to honesty including full disclosure to each other. We do not withhold important information from each other. We will not make promises to other people that include lying to or lies of omission from each other.

So I have some questions for my friends here:

1. If you are in a committed relationship, are these provisions part of your marriage/commitment agreement? Why or why not?


2. If you are not in a currently in a committed relationship, would these be part of an agreement you would make? Why or why not?


3. If you and your committed partner have not discussed the details of what your commitment to each other entails, why or why not?

Please keep your comments civil. I really want to hear how folks deal with these issues.

Comments

[lady-equine.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. A not-easy question, with some not-easy answers, I think.

I have 4 sweethearts. The first is married and while we are very fond of each other, we're not sure how our lives may yet intertwine. The second is a life partner. The third is married with a child (and a very full life). The fourth is still rather young.

And I have a ranch partner, who is not a sweetheart.

My finances are currently my own business. I have made commitments to my life partner and to my ranch partner that I am honor bound to meet, but otherwise, I am not obligated to any disclosure. As a courtesy, I keep them informed as to major financial changes as they come up, such as job changes.

Legal decisions don't come up much. I have legal obligations and intentions regarding the ranch with my ranch partner that we have written up in contract. I am not married, so that legal obligation does not have weight for me at this time.

Medical decisions are also my own, but I keep all informed as a courtesy.

Parenting decisions will be mine and my life partner's. My ranch partner will also have a strong say with my children, as I will with his...we are functioning like an extended family, it is like how an uncle has a say in parenting when the uncle is also part of the household.

Time management is independantly managed. Our needs are communicated to each other, but the actual management is our own.

Relationship decisions are largely independantly managed. However, there is a great deal of sympathy and empathy required by all involved. Rules of hospitality for guest and host are very important at the ranch. This means that if a household member is dating someone that the others do not like or get along with, we are very courteous about not stepping on each others toes. This involves some key communication sometimes and is why we have a very good relationship counselor for when we can't figure our way through something on our own. The intent here is for everyone who lives at the ranch to feel at home and is comfortable having guests and in interacting with other people's guests. Notification that guests are due is by courtesy and tho' not required is certainly quickly explained with embarassment when notification has not been given. "Date nights" are a special circumstance. Notification is required, but has become pretty relaxed. Short notice means that permission can be denied. "Date nights" pretty much mean that sex noises can be expected. "Date nights" also mean that housemate interaction with your date can be expected to be minimal, so you can enjoy your special time together.

Household resources. Well, I'm not sure what this entails. My ranch partner and I are the bread winners of the ranch, so we pretty much do all the shopping and simply swap off now and then. Special needs for the ranch count as investments in the ranch and we are each credited as appropriate. We try to juggle bathroom, kitchen, and tv use as courteous housemates.

In summary, my decisions are mostly my own, but with carefully stated obligations. Meeting those obligations is what allows me my decision making freedom. I try to keep everyone informed on my dating/relationship choices, but other than making sure that everyone can feel safe in their own home, I'm blessed with very little obligation on this one.

The wonderful thing about all this is it means that I can buy a horse with little other than polite notification necessary. *big grin* Very important for a horse person. And I can buy a saddle with no notification at all necessary.