Difficult day so far…
Apr. 12th, 2005 07:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitNot awful, just disappointing. Lots of promise but no sense of fulfillment
I cooked last night but had an accident and broke my beautiful marble pastry board. They are expensive, hard to find and my favorite tool for baking. I was so sad to loose it. I guess I will have to put one on my wish list. Today I look at all the scraps of marble and trying to think who could use them for some sort of project. Hate to just throw them out.
Today has been wonderfully sunny. (I am solar powered.) But chilly. Still, out to the garden I went. Last weekend we added a lovely grapevine design park bench next to the fish pond. I like to sit, listening to the waterfall and the birds while I watch and feed my fish. This morning I found the pond plants and statues overturned, two of my favorite fish half eaten and my big orange fish missing completely. That means that I only a one large fish and a few small koi left. I righted the pond, cleaned the pump, refilled the water and buried the dead fish.
The rest of the day was taken up with small chores and errands. Mailed the tax forms, filled a couple direct orders for my books, paid some bills, etc. I have lots of little chores to do still.
I was looking through the LJ entries of current and old friends. And I became very melancholy. These days I feel almost as lonely as I did in my childhood. I have a lot of "friends" but very few people who seem willing to make the time to spend with me. Most of my adult life I have had a small group of close friends who I spend most of my time with. In the past, those have usually come through science fiction, activist and/or pagan groups I was involved in. I am not a member of any organization these days. Weird. I have been so sick for so very long that I dropped out of everything.
Thirty years ago I was a lonely young teen with a similar need for connection and friendship. Now, at 43, I have come full circle to that place of solitude. In Santa Cruz and Iowa City, I managed to find people. Hardly a day went by when I didn't have a meeting to go to or friends who came by to visit. Here in the heart of the Bay Area I know literally hundreds of people and see few of them. I have tried to reach out in the last few months but most attempts have failed, leaving me feeling even more isolated.
I receive dozens of party invitations every month but still feel pretty disconnected these days. I like parties. Problem is they feel so superficial. I like meeting people but people don't seem willing to follow up with the more in-depth contact that makes for "real friends" to me. Sometimes I feel starved for real conversations. All I get most of the time are "small talk." It's like trying to live on popcorn. I hunger for substance.
I cooked last night but had an accident and broke my beautiful marble pastry board. They are expensive, hard to find and my favorite tool for baking. I was so sad to loose it. I guess I will have to put one on my wish list. Today I look at all the scraps of marble and trying to think who could use them for some sort of project. Hate to just throw them out.
Today has been wonderfully sunny. (I am solar powered.) But chilly. Still, out to the garden I went. Last weekend we added a lovely grapevine design park bench next to the fish pond. I like to sit, listening to the waterfall and the birds while I watch and feed my fish. This morning I found the pond plants and statues overturned, two of my favorite fish half eaten and my big orange fish missing completely. That means that I only a one large fish and a few small koi left. I righted the pond, cleaned the pump, refilled the water and buried the dead fish.
The rest of the day was taken up with small chores and errands. Mailed the tax forms, filled a couple direct orders for my books, paid some bills, etc. I have lots of little chores to do still.
I was looking through the LJ entries of current and old friends. And I became very melancholy. These days I feel almost as lonely as I did in my childhood. I have a lot of "friends" but very few people who seem willing to make the time to spend with me. Most of my adult life I have had a small group of close friends who I spend most of my time with. In the past, those have usually come through science fiction, activist and/or pagan groups I was involved in. I am not a member of any organization these days. Weird. I have been so sick for so very long that I dropped out of everything.
Thirty years ago I was a lonely young teen with a similar need for connection and friendship. Now, at 43, I have come full circle to that place of solitude. In Santa Cruz and Iowa City, I managed to find people. Hardly a day went by when I didn't have a meeting to go to or friends who came by to visit. Here in the heart of the Bay Area I know literally hundreds of people and see few of them. I have tried to reach out in the last few months but most attempts have failed, leaving me feeling even more isolated.
I receive dozens of party invitations every month but still feel pretty disconnected these days. I like parties. Problem is they feel so superficial. I like meeting people but people don't seem willing to follow up with the more in-depth contact that makes for "real friends" to me. Sometimes I feel starved for real conversations. All I get most of the time are "small talk." It's like trying to live on popcorn. I hunger for substance.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 03:09 am (UTC)Just... *seeble*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-13 03:17 pm (UTC)Let's not mention the fact that I would still like to live there as well.
On the subject of parties
Date: 2005-04-14 08:45 pm (UTC)Some parties are superficial, and some aren't. Mostly, they just have to be the right ones to carry conversation further into the realms of meaningful word. Hugs to you! If you would like, you can E-mail me or I can E-mail you to make plans to get together. I'd like more chance to get together and connect with you on more than plastic levels.
-Amelia