(no subject)

[purplerabbit]

I am sitting on the stone steps on the edge of the playground, watching the children. It is a pretty park where the semi-wooded area runs nearly to the sand edge of the playground. Further away is the beach and the big blue of the sky and the ocean meeting, while not what I am looking at, is there are the same like the most glorious backdrop.

I have been playing with and talking with the children and as is usual in the playground, occasional child-focused small-talk with the parents with them. I look up the steps I am on the edge of and see a young boy with dark hair and bright blue ball in his hands. I smile and put up my hands in the traditional gesture that says, "throw me the ball." He smiles and does. Of course, I am not the best at this so I miss catching it but he happily chases after it and tries again. Now he is in the sand area and we are tossing the ball back and forth. His father comes up and we exchange pleasantries. Then he tells the boy it is time to go and starts to walk up the stairs. The boy mouths off at him. It is the normal defiance of a small child but with that sneer that can really irritate. I start to chide the boy but his father has turned and glares at him, with barely controlled rage he points to the spot in front of him saying "Come. Here. NOW!"

I turn back to the boy who is now looking at his father with a look of unabashed fear. I heard a number of parents belittle the children or even spank them while I was there, and every time makes me cringe. Now, I am frozen wanting to erase that awful fear. Then the boy bolts. There is no other word for it, fear overrides reason and he runs for it. In a moment, his father is striding down the stairs and into the playground catching the boy on the climbing rock. He is going to spank him then and there.

Before I know I have done it, I am standing there screaming that the man. I am begging, pleading with him not to hit the boy. I am hysterical and begin to babble. "Be kind to each other, be loving. It is all we have. If we can't give our children that at least, what can we give them." It is his message I am babbling though probably not so concise. Next thing I realize is that I am surrounded by all the people in the play ground, children and adults both. The boy is in front of me and I have grabbed his shirt and looked into his face. "Children need to know that kindness is what we expect from them too. And we have to give it to teach it. You can't teach kindness through pain. You have to know that the people who love you will be the safe place, not the place you fear. You have to be able to look to them for the refuge from the horrible things in the world. The world is a painful enough place, we have to be a place of healing for our children and they for us. We can't always be there, but if we can be that, they can take it with them." I am sobbing now, and several children I played with earlier have stepped up to pat me on the back trying to soothe me.

Everything is quiet in the circle around me. There is the distant sound of the surf and my sobs. Then a woman I had spoken with earlier, asks very quietly, "You said you son is eight. Where is he now?"

My sobbing quiets and my heart feels like it has broken as I quietly answer, "I haven't seen him in five months."

I wake from the dream drenched in sweat and tears. And my first thought is, "And my dad died when I was only 13. We can't protect our children. We can only love them."

That is how my day began. I know, it doesn't take a therapist to tell me what this one means.

I want to thank deebythebay for sitting with me today and being the first to hear the dream. It is hard to share how much of my own personal demons revolve around this. My sweet boy told me last summer that our ex has escalated from screaming to hitting. Nothing actually "illegal" yet but frightening. I know that Rowan is a strong child but I am worried for him. I try to remind myself that my Dad managed to teach me enough love to help me survive even when he couldn't be there for me. I feel powerless to protect him. My love just doesn't feel like it is enough.

Comments

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

When there is nothing else to give, there is love. And dispite it being a corny line from a song, love *is* all you need. He won't come away unscarred, none of us ever really do, but he will be stronger and safer because of the love you provide for him. He *knows* it is there, with you, always safe, a treasure to come home to.