purplerabbit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purplerabbit) wrote2004-09-14 10:28 pm
purplerabbit) wrote2004-09-14 10:28 pm
Taking a big step
This weekend I found myself complaining that I had "thrown my life away." I was quite depressed about having what I saw as no chance to follow my dreams. I was near suicidal with the hopelessness of it. So I took a chance and wrote a letter...
In early 1994, I was feeling similarly helpless when I took a chance. Depressed and angry about where my life was going at that point, I turned that despair into action by applying to graduate schools in the Midwest. I was accepted to several and ended up choosing the University of Iowa Ph.D. program in Feminist Anthropology. Troy and I moved to Iowa. We didn't know anyone there but we gambled on following our dreams.
Many have heard me talk of the betrayal and pain that happened at the end of my time there. What I seldom have had the chance or strength to talk about is what I embraced there. I loved being a graduate student. I loved the academic environment -- the intellectual challenges, the heady discussions, the chance to learn and grow and share ideas. I miss it very much. My dream was to become a university professor.
Before the attack by our ex and the loss of custody and all the pain that entailed, we had been planning to move back to California to follow similar dreams. I was planning my dissertation research in the Bay Area. Troy and Lon were attending Master's programs. Lon completed his MA in Transpersonal Psychology from JFK in Orinda. Troy dropped out of the geosciences program at SFSU, but recently completed an MA in Information Systems Technologies.
After much struggle with depression and pain, I was able to get my dissertation research done. But I never completed the dissertation itself. Not only was I struggling with writer's block, I was diverted to take care of my mother's illness and then to recover from my own injuries. During that time, I "dropped out" of my program. Too overwhelmed, I simply did not let my advisor and/or department know what happened.
Today I mailed a letter. I wrote my mentor/advisor and asked her to help me go back to work on my dissertation. I will need her support to ask my Anthropology Dept to have me reinstated as a Doctoral Candidate. If I am successful in this, I will most likely have around a year to complete my dissertation. It will be hard work. I have lost a lot of ground the last several years and will have to restudy much of what I learned as well as what I have missed.
I am frightened but hopeful. I will be following a dream I worked hard to achieve but which I fell short of achieving. This time, may the universe be merciful, I hope to succeed.
In early 1994, I was feeling similarly helpless when I took a chance. Depressed and angry about where my life was going at that point, I turned that despair into action by applying to graduate schools in the Midwest. I was accepted to several and ended up choosing the University of Iowa Ph.D. program in Feminist Anthropology. Troy and I moved to Iowa. We didn't know anyone there but we gambled on following our dreams.
Many have heard me talk of the betrayal and pain that happened at the end of my time there. What I seldom have had the chance or strength to talk about is what I embraced there. I loved being a graduate student. I loved the academic environment -- the intellectual challenges, the heady discussions, the chance to learn and grow and share ideas. I miss it very much. My dream was to become a university professor.
Before the attack by our ex and the loss of custody and all the pain that entailed, we had been planning to move back to California to follow similar dreams. I was planning my dissertation research in the Bay Area. Troy and Lon were attending Master's programs. Lon completed his MA in Transpersonal Psychology from JFK in Orinda. Troy dropped out of the geosciences program at SFSU, but recently completed an MA in Information Systems Technologies.
After much struggle with depression and pain, I was able to get my dissertation research done. But I never completed the dissertation itself. Not only was I struggling with writer's block, I was diverted to take care of my mother's illness and then to recover from my own injuries. During that time, I "dropped out" of my program. Too overwhelmed, I simply did not let my advisor and/or department know what happened.
Today I mailed a letter. I wrote my mentor/advisor and asked her to help me go back to work on my dissertation. I will need her support to ask my Anthropology Dept to have me reinstated as a Doctoral Candidate. If I am successful in this, I will most likely have around a year to complete my dissertation. It will be hard work. I have lost a lot of ground the last several years and will have to restudy much of what I learned as well as what I have missed.
I am frightened but hopeful. I will be following a dream I worked hard to achieve but which I fell short of achieving. This time, may the universe be merciful, I hope to succeed.
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I know no one more likely to achieve her dreams. Your power and passion are your assets. Use them wisely.
You are great!