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Jan. 5th, 2003 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitInstead of hanging out with friends, we spent the weekend being sick. Five of us! We all have this dreadful cold -- sore throat becomes head cold becomes nasty chest congestion. Ick.
Friday I spent six hours crying. Grief is not an emotion -- it is a storm of emotions. It has lulls that are quiet and other times when it is violent. There is sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, longing, rage, despair, and more. Every time Rowan has to leave, I feel ripped apart. How does one heal a wound which is continuously reopening? Not just Demeter, but Prometheus -- my heart ripped out again and again.
Saturday, even sick, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. That is usually my next stage, though I tend to vacillate and sometimes cry while I clean or vice versa. I am hyperactive to begin with but when I get upset I usually HAVE TO MOVE! With Virgo rising as my only real earth sign in my chart, I seem to use organizing/cleaning as a way to ground myself. (Most of my chart is AIR!) Lon said I was doing a "Manic Miles" (after Miles Vorkosigan in the Lois McMaster Bujold series).
I packed Rowan's things into boxes again to store until the Spring Equinox. I realized that one unexpected and unavoidable problem with having Alura time-share Rowan's room is the stronger sense of loss. When Rowan left before, I would carefully put all his things in his room. I would organize his toys, make his bed, wash his clothes, fold them and put them away. I would lie in his bed and cry -- holding his latest favorite sleep toy. Now I have to pack up his things. It feels like giving him up. There is no place that his still his when he is gone. It is harder to tell myself he will be home soon when there is no place left that is all his.
I am so glad that Rowan himself is happy that Alura uses his room when he is gone. It would be so much harder if he wasn't. As it is, he loves having more people living here.
Rowan math quiz: What is three plus one? Answer: Happy Family!
Today was another day of cleaning. Lon felt well enough yesterday to do the grocery shopping, but today he and Troy were both slug-bunnies. They spent all day in the big bed. I set up humidifiers in the bedroom, Mary's room and have one ready for Alura. Alura went to work sick. I am worried for her, but happy to see her being so responsible. Mark (her boyfriend) spent the week with us and went back by train to Sacramento today. I was too sick to drive, so luckily Michael & Rachael were able to give lifts for the teens and pick up medication for the sick folks.
My lungs are pretty bad right now. My asthma is always triggered by colds. If they don't improve by tomorrow I may have to go to the doctor in the morning. Meanwhile, I also plan to work on my health as a new year plan. I need to get my doctor to check my thyroid and gall bladder. (Especially since my Mom's illness was related to gall bladder disease, my Aunt Dee died of complications from gall bladder disease, and my Aunt Janie had her diseased gall bladder removed. That's 3 for 3 on my older female relatives. I also have to get some dental work done since it has been nearly 2 years since I saw a dentist and I needed work then. And I have needed new glasses/contacts for at least a year. My other major new year plan is to get both our finances and our house organized! More on that later.
Yes, she is going to throw herself into her work for a while and hope that helps ease the pain. Only thing I can do right now.
Friday I spent six hours crying. Grief is not an emotion -- it is a storm of emotions. It has lulls that are quiet and other times when it is violent. There is sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, longing, rage, despair, and more. Every time Rowan has to leave, I feel ripped apart. How does one heal a wound which is continuously reopening? Not just Demeter, but Prometheus -- my heart ripped out again and again.
Saturday, even sick, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. That is usually my next stage, though I tend to vacillate and sometimes cry while I clean or vice versa. I am hyperactive to begin with but when I get upset I usually HAVE TO MOVE! With Virgo rising as my only real earth sign in my chart, I seem to use organizing/cleaning as a way to ground myself. (Most of my chart is AIR!) Lon said I was doing a "Manic Miles" (after Miles Vorkosigan in the Lois McMaster Bujold series).
I packed Rowan's things into boxes again to store until the Spring Equinox. I realized that one unexpected and unavoidable problem with having Alura time-share Rowan's room is the stronger sense of loss. When Rowan left before, I would carefully put all his things in his room. I would organize his toys, make his bed, wash his clothes, fold them and put them away. I would lie in his bed and cry -- holding his latest favorite sleep toy. Now I have to pack up his things. It feels like giving him up. There is no place that his still his when he is gone. It is harder to tell myself he will be home soon when there is no place left that is all his.
I am so glad that Rowan himself is happy that Alura uses his room when he is gone. It would be so much harder if he wasn't. As it is, he loves having more people living here.
Rowan math quiz: What is three plus one? Answer: Happy Family!
Today was another day of cleaning. Lon felt well enough yesterday to do the grocery shopping, but today he and Troy were both slug-bunnies. They spent all day in the big bed. I set up humidifiers in the bedroom, Mary's room and have one ready for Alura. Alura went to work sick. I am worried for her, but happy to see her being so responsible. Mark (her boyfriend) spent the week with us and went back by train to Sacramento today. I was too sick to drive, so luckily Michael & Rachael were able to give lifts for the teens and pick up medication for the sick folks.
My lungs are pretty bad right now. My asthma is always triggered by colds. If they don't improve by tomorrow I may have to go to the doctor in the morning. Meanwhile, I also plan to work on my health as a new year plan. I need to get my doctor to check my thyroid and gall bladder. (Especially since my Mom's illness was related to gall bladder disease, my Aunt Dee died of complications from gall bladder disease, and my Aunt Janie had her diseased gall bladder removed. That's 3 for 3 on my older female relatives. I also have to get some dental work done since it has been nearly 2 years since I saw a dentist and I needed work then. And I have needed new glasses/contacts for at least a year. My other major new year plan is to get both our finances and our house organized! More on that later.
Yes, she is going to throw herself into her work for a while and hope that helps ease the pain. Only thing I can do right now.
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Date: 2003-01-17 04:21 am (UTC)... but I think U.S. culture has gotten to you. Only in the U.S. have I heard going to work sick described as "responsible"... =/