purplerabbit

Tears again. Tears of happiness. I feel whole. I sit in my chair watching my child. The light returns to my world.

We woke at 6 AM. Like many times since he was born, we sit together as the early morning light filled the windows. I with my tea, Rowan with his juice. We have been listening to music (mostly folk music of my childhood -- James Taylor, Peter Paul & Mary etc.) Rowan draws with his new 50 pack of colored pencils and new drawing pad. He writes love letters to his Mama Dawn and daddies. He invents math puzzles and solves them. When he began to build things with them, I got out his tinker toys. Now he builds towers, space ships and wind chimes.

We sit in the sparkling warm light of the Yule tree with the cats sleeping on the couches and the rabbits cuddling together in their hutch. Daddy Lon and Daddy Troy sleep in the big bed in our bedroom. My mama sleeps in her bed. My niece Alura and her first love sleep in the sanctuary. The world is cold and rainy outside, but here in The Rabbit Warren, I am warm and happy. This is the way my world should be.

For such an unconventional person, my greatest joys are very basic -- the loving comfort of family, friends and home. Gentle domestic joys are the most important to me. One of my favorite love songs in the world was my daddy's favorite -- My Cup Runneth Over by Ed Ames:

Sometimes in the morning when shadows are deep
I lie here beside you just watching you sleep
And sometimes I whisper what I'm thinking of
My cup runneth over with love

Sometimes in the evening when you do not see
I study the small things you do constantly
I memorize moments that I'm fondest of
My cup runneth over with love

In only a moment we both will be old
We won't even notice the world turning cold
And so in this moment with sunlight above
My cup runneth over with love
My cup runneth over with love.

My daddy died when I was thirteen. I still have many small moments memorized that bring me a sweet sad joy to remember them. I remember the feel of being held by him. I remember standing with my arms around his waist, he stood with his back to the heater getting warm. My check lay on his chest, his hands on my shoulders. The comforting warmth of the furnace mingled with the warmth of knowing he loved me and I loved him. I miss him still. But I share his love every time I share moments like them with my son.

My sense of love is built in those many small moments of sharing daily life. I know that is part of why it is so devastating when Rowan isn't with us. Our amazingly strong connection survives those times, but it is always hard on both of us. In our quiet moments together Rowan tells me how much he needs to be with me. And I tell him that I understand because I am always at my happiest with him.

I am always at my best when I am MaMaDawn. MaMaDawn is a person who seems to be able to see the best in everyone. MaMaDawn understands what people need. Mama Dawn is both gentle and strong. Rowan will tell you that he "made me" into a Mama. It's true. He unlocked something in me. Sometimes it is hard work to keep that when Rowan isn't here. When he is with me, it seems to come naturally.

So let our song this morning be, "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.