purplerabbit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purplerabbit) wrote2002-12-17 04:34 am
purplerabbit) wrote2002-12-17 04:34 am
Too sad to sleep
It's 4:35 AM. I am sitting in my chair in the living room typing on my laptop. The house is quiet. Mostly. I opened the door to the bunny cage, so Matilda and Warren are scampering around. Willow sits at my feet. Pierre is on one couch and Oberon on the other. My sweeties sleep in the big bed. Mary and Alura in their beds. This use to be my favorite time to write. It was a magic time when all was quiet and yet my family was nearby. I would sneak in and watch them sleep. It made me feel whole.
All is not well and my family is divided in many ways. It has now been 4 months and 12 days since I have seen Rowan. He begs to come home every time we call. He is currently scheduled to come home on Dec. 27. Not only is he only getting a week, the psycho has decided six days is a week. We are loosing what little we had. And we don't have the money to get a lawyer. We argue over what to do but still have no answers.
I don't feel whole. I feel like a person with a great big gapping wound who keeps saying to myself "just a little farther". I realize I have been saying that to myself all year. "It's going to get better soon. It has too." I keep telling myself that. I am beginning to loose hope. I seem to have lost my way. I can no longer see the path. I keep trudging through the weeds, thorns and dense brush without any clear sign of a path, let alone a place to rest. Sometimes, emotionally, I feel like I am bleeding to death. How much more can I loose before I just can't make myself go on anymore?
In Florida I kept saying, I have to get through this to get back to my life. Now I don't know what that means anymore. Most of the things I want for my future don't even seem possible most the time.
I want my family whole. I want Troy, Lon, Mary, Rowan and I living under one roof and happy together. (More possible, but I want at least them.) I want to write again. I want to write more books. I want to finish my dissertation. I want to write, teach and be a leader in my community. I want to have a comfortable material base from which to work including a home of my(our)own. I would like to have the bills paid without great pain and strife each month. I would like to have days without physical and emotional pain. I am not asking for everyday, just some. I want joy in my life.
When did I loose my dreams? It happened in pieces didn't it? The assault on my body and heart that left me in constant pain. The loss of Rowan in our daily lives. They began something we haven't been able to stop. Each of us worked so hard to achieve our dreams only to have had to give up on most of them. Troy settled for computers instead of geology. Lon seems to have lost the will to complete the MA in Psychology. I seem unable to complete my Ph.D. and apply for academic jobs. I can't even seem to write articles any more let alone books.
Hard work and sacrifices have always been part of my life. When I feel I am doing what I want, I actually enjoy hard work. Problem is that I don't feel I choose any of what I have to do these days, let alone feel a sense of accomplishment.
I want so much to be happy again. I just don't know how any more.
The only thing that seems to keep me moving is my overwhelming feeling of responsibility to others. Mom needs me. Troy & Lon need me. Alura needs me. Rowan needs me.
All is not well and my family is divided in many ways. It has now been 4 months and 12 days since I have seen Rowan. He begs to come home every time we call. He is currently scheduled to come home on Dec. 27. Not only is he only getting a week, the psycho has decided six days is a week. We are loosing what little we had. And we don't have the money to get a lawyer. We argue over what to do but still have no answers.
I don't feel whole. I feel like a person with a great big gapping wound who keeps saying to myself "just a little farther". I realize I have been saying that to myself all year. "It's going to get better soon. It has too." I keep telling myself that. I am beginning to loose hope. I seem to have lost my way. I can no longer see the path. I keep trudging through the weeds, thorns and dense brush without any clear sign of a path, let alone a place to rest. Sometimes, emotionally, I feel like I am bleeding to death. How much more can I loose before I just can't make myself go on anymore?
In Florida I kept saying, I have to get through this to get back to my life. Now I don't know what that means anymore. Most of the things I want for my future don't even seem possible most the time.
I want my family whole. I want Troy, Lon, Mary, Rowan and I living under one roof and happy together. (More possible, but I want at least them.) I want to write again. I want to write more books. I want to finish my dissertation. I want to write, teach and be a leader in my community. I want to have a comfortable material base from which to work including a home of my(our)own. I would like to have the bills paid without great pain and strife each month. I would like to have days without physical and emotional pain. I am not asking for everyday, just some. I want joy in my life.
When did I loose my dreams? It happened in pieces didn't it? The assault on my body and heart that left me in constant pain. The loss of Rowan in our daily lives. They began something we haven't been able to stop. Each of us worked so hard to achieve our dreams only to have had to give up on most of them. Troy settled for computers instead of geology. Lon seems to have lost the will to complete the MA in Psychology. I seem unable to complete my Ph.D. and apply for academic jobs. I can't even seem to write articles any more let alone books.
Hard work and sacrifices have always been part of my life. When I feel I am doing what I want, I actually enjoy hard work. Problem is that I don't feel I choose any of what I have to do these days, let alone feel a sense of accomplishment.
I want so much to be happy again. I just don't know how any more.
The only thing that seems to keep me moving is my overwhelming feeling of responsibility to others. Mom needs me. Troy & Lon need me. Alura needs me. Rowan needs me.
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*hugs*
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