Still depressed...
Mar. 30th, 2004 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitWoke with a start this morning. Panicked because I forgot to give Rowan his medicines for the last week. Then, shock, anger, tears. I can't give him the meds. He is in Iowa. I can't do anything for him.
Dreamed he was here. Seems most my dreams are nightmares, but the ones that really get me are the good dreams. Dreams of the world that could have been. They make waking up the hardest.
Socializing helps but I feel so unworthy it is hard to reach out. I want to feel good about myself. Instead of feel useless, helpless, angry. Someone I suggest meds again, therapy. I have done therapy. Problem is that if you describe my situation to any therapist, they would say, "Well no wonder you are angry. Who wouldn't be?"
Hard to be functional in a dysfunctional world. Hard to believe in the future, when the future you want is denied.
Did you know that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Damn, with my life history it would be impossible not to have it. I once figured it out that something large and traumatic happens to me every three years. That means I am really due for a year or two without it. That would be nice.
The problem with being as well educated as I am means I am really at a loss with therapy. I know the process one has to go through to recover stability with PTSD. I have not only read a lot on it, I have gone through the therapeutic process with three very qualified therapists over the years. The main difficulty is that it is based on the idea that you can get back to life as normal now that the cause of the trauma has passed. But that isn't true for me. My trauma is ongoing.
This is the second period in my life with a long protracted trigger trauma that has no foreseeable resolution. The first was when my dad was run off the road while riding his motorcycle. He was brain damaged and it took his body eleven years to die. For eleven years we existed in a kind of limbo of extended grief. We learned not to visit him very often because it just made it worse. He didn't know who we were anymore. He wasn't really there, but we couldn't let him go either because he could really leave. There was an amazing release after his body death -- a period of amazing healing.
Now I have spent six years in constant fear for Rowan. Our ex moved out when he was a year and half and he will be eight in May. That means I have spend six years fighting to keep my promises to him. To be there for him. How do you recover from losing your child when you have to relive that loss over and over again. I can't give up on him. He needs me. I need him. But somedays the longing is so much I can't breath.
Most of our psychological theory is based on healing the emotional wounds. But it is hard to heal an injury that is constantly be ripped open again and again. Most therapists tend to reach a point with me where they don't know what to do. How do you convince someone they can get on with their life and leave it in the past when they can't? What do you do then?
So I busy myself. I garden, sew, make things, yard sale, socialize, and sometimes, when I am lucky, write. Between my health problems (probably all stress trigged) and the depression, I find it hard to make plans for anything other than the immediate future. But at least that helps. So if you wanna garden, brew mead or otherwise help me distract myself, let me know.
Dreamed he was here. Seems most my dreams are nightmares, but the ones that really get me are the good dreams. Dreams of the world that could have been. They make waking up the hardest.
Socializing helps but I feel so unworthy it is hard to reach out. I want to feel good about myself. Instead of feel useless, helpless, angry. Someone I suggest meds again, therapy. I have done therapy. Problem is that if you describe my situation to any therapist, they would say, "Well no wonder you are angry. Who wouldn't be?"
Hard to be functional in a dysfunctional world. Hard to believe in the future, when the future you want is denied.
Did you know that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Damn, with my life history it would be impossible not to have it. I once figured it out that something large and traumatic happens to me every three years. That means I am really due for a year or two without it. That would be nice.
The problem with being as well educated as I am means I am really at a loss with therapy. I know the process one has to go through to recover stability with PTSD. I have not only read a lot on it, I have gone through the therapeutic process with three very qualified therapists over the years. The main difficulty is that it is based on the idea that you can get back to life as normal now that the cause of the trauma has passed. But that isn't true for me. My trauma is ongoing.
This is the second period in my life with a long protracted trigger trauma that has no foreseeable resolution. The first was when my dad was run off the road while riding his motorcycle. He was brain damaged and it took his body eleven years to die. For eleven years we existed in a kind of limbo of extended grief. We learned not to visit him very often because it just made it worse. He didn't know who we were anymore. He wasn't really there, but we couldn't let him go either because he could really leave. There was an amazing release after his body death -- a period of amazing healing.
Now I have spent six years in constant fear for Rowan. Our ex moved out when he was a year and half and he will be eight in May. That means I have spend six years fighting to keep my promises to him. To be there for him. How do you recover from losing your child when you have to relive that loss over and over again. I can't give up on him. He needs me. I need him. But somedays the longing is so much I can't breath.
Most of our psychological theory is based on healing the emotional wounds. But it is hard to heal an injury that is constantly be ripped open again and again. Most therapists tend to reach a point with me where they don't know what to do. How do you convince someone they can get on with their life and leave it in the past when they can't? What do you do then?
So I busy myself. I garden, sew, make things, yard sale, socialize, and sometimes, when I am lucky, write. Between my health problems (probably all stress trigged) and the depression, I find it hard to make plans for anything other than the immediate future. But at least that helps. So if you wanna garden, brew mead or otherwise help me distract myself, let me know.
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Makes me think
Date: 2004-03-30 09:19 pm (UTC)I wanted to come over to the full moon ritual, but Papa needs me for his concert debut this Friday. Saturday and Sunday are fully booked days. However, if my sweetie doesn't meet with me on Friday, perhaps then? If not, then next week sometime? I'd love to learn to brew mead properly. I've made a soft mead to share with the girls when we do family rituals, but they vary in fondness for it.
I loved being at your place and being so accepted. You are so full of worth simply because of the warm and loving person you are. Thank you for sharing that.