Blessed Be and Damn, I'm Awake
Feb. 25th, 2004 07:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitOn sleepwalking and memory...
Friends, please read and comment. This one is important to me...
I feel a bit like the sleep walker who finally woke up. I am Rip Van Winkle. So much time passed without full feeling that I had thought it gone. I am in the throws of re-experiencing myself. Sometimes it is more painful than either my physical injuries or the physical sides of withdrawal.
As Lon loving put in one of his recent journal entries, the emotional losses, chronic pain and prescription drugs all took part of what I use to be. While I missed a lot of my creativity, I am not so sure about the emotional stuff. I was always an intense person emotionally. I was told over and over that I was "TOO Intense." That large and sometimes extreme range of emotion was very exciting both to me and to others - but it can be hell to live with. Mom, Lon and Troy keep assuring me that they much prefer the awake me to the more laid-back drugged me.
While I do think I am a much more interesting person this way, I am worried. I am no longer accustomed to the force of my own emotions. And the intensity is not only of feeling but of memory. Remembering for me is not simply an intellectual experience, but a very emotional and kinesthetic one. When I remember love, I remember the touch, the taste, the smell, the pain, my highs and lows with them. Someone once told me that to be loved by me was to be immortalized. I am beginning to understand what he was talking about. I had never understood that memory didn't work this way for everyone.
I am mourning love lost over 20 years ago. I am glorying in experiences with people who are long dead. I am feeling so much of who and what I use to be. I find myself a little frightened by the depth of feeling. I still love Michael McConnell and we have not shared each other's bodies/hearts in twenty-six years. I remember the taste of his lips, the sparkle of his eyes, the expressiveness of his hands, the feel of his body on and in mine. I remember them all again. Love so intense it nearly tore me apart.
My mother once told me that the problem with being the focus of such love was its loss. Mom said that being the focus of my attention was “like being struck by the heat and light of a radiant sun” - it made one warm and glowing. She said that was wonderful, but when that love was taken away, then you were “plunged into darkness.” I thought she was being overly dramatic. Now as I read love letters written to me three decades ago, I begin to understand.
Problem for me is that I never actually stop loving anyone. But it isn't always safe or good to be with the people I have loved. I lost Jackie, David, Michael and, yes, even Tina, to their own damaged childhoods. In tears once, David tried to convince me once again that he loved me more than anything in the world. I finally looked at him and explained that I believed he loved me, but that the way he loved me was killing me. He was controlling and possessive, he so wanted to keep me for himself that he nearly killed what he loved about me.
It was this depth of feeling and inability to forget that brought me to the psych meds in the first place. Post-traumatic stress they call it. Reliving over and over every detail of what when wrong, especially with Tina - it nearly killed me. I am not exaggerating. I went on the anti-depressants because the doctor said it was that or hospitalization for malnutrition. In the first months after Tina’s assault on me and our losing custody of Rowan, I lost so much weight that I weighed less than I had since I hit puberty. I was a size 10 - I hadn’t been that size since I was ten! I couldn’t eat or sleep, I had constant nightmares. I needed to find a way to stop the memories from destroying me.
Thirty years ago, after my Dad’s traumatic brain injury and his loss of memory, I took an oath. After Michael’s brain damage and loss of memory from drugs, I made that oath again and again. I would rather suffer anything than loose my mind. I would rather give up anything other than my memories. I declared that they are what make me who I am.
So why did I choose the drugs rather than the memories if I have always been like this? Wasn’t I use to it? Rowan. Rowan made me feel like what mom described my love was like. When I am with him, it is as if being the center of all the love, warmth and sunlight of the world. When he leaves, it is like falling into a dark hole. He has the ability to make me feel completely loved without reservation. Holding him in those first moments in the delivery room when all other attention was on Tina, and he and I looked at each other for the first time - I have never felt anything like it. His recognition of me was so complete and intense I was nearly unable to breath. To be the focus of such love was beyond anything I had ever felt before.
People tell me I look different when I am with him. I am different. He changed me completely - and I was unable to go back. When we lost custody, I spent five months without even being able to speak with him. It was over a year of not knowing when we would see him again. We have spent the last six years fighting just to be able to maintain contact with him.
In 1978, David wrote me in a letter that “whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, was simply a fool - he never loved you.” He wrote of being “left only with memories. Memories of the only girl to totally arouse me with a smile or a look in those eyes.”
Forgetting is a curse and a blessing. I knew that well enough that as a teenager that when I created a fictional character who always remembered everything, I knew that it would drive her insane. In that story, the immortal character is driven literally mad with grief as everyone she loves dies while she lives on.
So I gave up full access to my mind, my feeling and my memories - in order to survive. Now I have made the choice that surviving isn’t enough. I want “me” back. So I have been exploring who I use to be in order that I might find out what I want to be. I hope my family and friends will help me in this journey. Please be patient with me. I don’t know where I am going, but I know I don't want to stay lost.
Friends, please read and comment. This one is important to me...
I feel a bit like the sleep walker who finally woke up. I am Rip Van Winkle. So much time passed without full feeling that I had thought it gone. I am in the throws of re-experiencing myself. Sometimes it is more painful than either my physical injuries or the physical sides of withdrawal.
As Lon loving put in one of his recent journal entries, the emotional losses, chronic pain and prescription drugs all took part of what I use to be. While I missed a lot of my creativity, I am not so sure about the emotional stuff. I was always an intense person emotionally. I was told over and over that I was "TOO Intense." That large and sometimes extreme range of emotion was very exciting both to me and to others - but it can be hell to live with. Mom, Lon and Troy keep assuring me that they much prefer the awake me to the more laid-back drugged me.
While I do think I am a much more interesting person this way, I am worried. I am no longer accustomed to the force of my own emotions. And the intensity is not only of feeling but of memory. Remembering for me is not simply an intellectual experience, but a very emotional and kinesthetic one. When I remember love, I remember the touch, the taste, the smell, the pain, my highs and lows with them. Someone once told me that to be loved by me was to be immortalized. I am beginning to understand what he was talking about. I had never understood that memory didn't work this way for everyone.
I am mourning love lost over 20 years ago. I am glorying in experiences with people who are long dead. I am feeling so much of who and what I use to be. I find myself a little frightened by the depth of feeling. I still love Michael McConnell and we have not shared each other's bodies/hearts in twenty-six years. I remember the taste of his lips, the sparkle of his eyes, the expressiveness of his hands, the feel of his body on and in mine. I remember them all again. Love so intense it nearly tore me apart.
My mother once told me that the problem with being the focus of such love was its loss. Mom said that being the focus of my attention was “like being struck by the heat and light of a radiant sun” - it made one warm and glowing. She said that was wonderful, but when that love was taken away, then you were “plunged into darkness.” I thought she was being overly dramatic. Now as I read love letters written to me three decades ago, I begin to understand.
Problem for me is that I never actually stop loving anyone. But it isn't always safe or good to be with the people I have loved. I lost Jackie, David, Michael and, yes, even Tina, to their own damaged childhoods. In tears once, David tried to convince me once again that he loved me more than anything in the world. I finally looked at him and explained that I believed he loved me, but that the way he loved me was killing me. He was controlling and possessive, he so wanted to keep me for himself that he nearly killed what he loved about me.
It was this depth of feeling and inability to forget that brought me to the psych meds in the first place. Post-traumatic stress they call it. Reliving over and over every detail of what when wrong, especially with Tina - it nearly killed me. I am not exaggerating. I went on the anti-depressants because the doctor said it was that or hospitalization for malnutrition. In the first months after Tina’s assault on me and our losing custody of Rowan, I lost so much weight that I weighed less than I had since I hit puberty. I was a size 10 - I hadn’t been that size since I was ten! I couldn’t eat or sleep, I had constant nightmares. I needed to find a way to stop the memories from destroying me.
Thirty years ago, after my Dad’s traumatic brain injury and his loss of memory, I took an oath. After Michael’s brain damage and loss of memory from drugs, I made that oath again and again. I would rather suffer anything than loose my mind. I would rather give up anything other than my memories. I declared that they are what make me who I am.
So why did I choose the drugs rather than the memories if I have always been like this? Wasn’t I use to it? Rowan. Rowan made me feel like what mom described my love was like. When I am with him, it is as if being the center of all the love, warmth and sunlight of the world. When he leaves, it is like falling into a dark hole. He has the ability to make me feel completely loved without reservation. Holding him in those first moments in the delivery room when all other attention was on Tina, and he and I looked at each other for the first time - I have never felt anything like it. His recognition of me was so complete and intense I was nearly unable to breath. To be the focus of such love was beyond anything I had ever felt before.
People tell me I look different when I am with him. I am different. He changed me completely - and I was unable to go back. When we lost custody, I spent five months without even being able to speak with him. It was over a year of not knowing when we would see him again. We have spent the last six years fighting just to be able to maintain contact with him.
In 1978, David wrote me in a letter that “whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, was simply a fool - he never loved you.” He wrote of being “left only with memories. Memories of the only girl to totally arouse me with a smile or a look in those eyes.”
Forgetting is a curse and a blessing. I knew that well enough that as a teenager that when I created a fictional character who always remembered everything, I knew that it would drive her insane. In that story, the immortal character is driven literally mad with grief as everyone she loves dies while she lives on.
So I gave up full access to my mind, my feeling and my memories - in order to survive. Now I have made the choice that surviving isn’t enough. I want “me” back. So I have been exploring who I use to be in order that I might find out what I want to be. I hope my family and friends will help me in this journey. Please be patient with me. I don’t know where I am going, but I know I don't want to stay lost.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-25 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-25 04:58 pm (UTC)I remember meeting you 12 years ago when I was just finishing high school; you came to speak at SLV in Felton at the height of their troubles. You made me believe that my shape was beautiful, that society's view on beauty had nothing on me. We talked after your presentation and I was late to my next class. I didn't see you again until years later either at Corwin and Leofwine's apartment or at a party with Lady_Equine and Ocicat... I forget which. I was too shy to tell you that I knew you.
Over the years since your return to California, whenever I see you, you are warm, inviting, loving, and kind. Your eyes draw me in and all I want to do is talk with you. Since I began to be comfortable with myself, I am able to recognize that comfort in others.
I've been reading your posts since you began to reclaim yourself here; welcome back to yourself. It's okay to be scared by yourself and overwhelmed by yourself; just remember that it's all you, no longer dulled. You are sparkling.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 07:51 pm (UTC)Funny, I can remember the young girl at SLV talks who stayed after and was late for class. I never knew that was you. And the party was probably with Ocicat.
Amazing how many ways people have connected in my life. I am glad my work helped. These days I have been very down about the body image work -- not the work but the fact that it didn't seem to help. I have given hundreds of talks, published written and video work on the topic including a book and yet it seems like half my friends are on diets. Makes me feel like a failure. Glad to know that isn't completely true.
I would love a chance to talk more. You are welcome to visit any time. The best way to get to see me is to call up and say, "can I come visit you (day/time)?" I like company -- especially now that I can think more clearly again.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 08:08 pm (UTC)I can't believe *you* remember *me*! Or at least that "young girl". ;) Dieting is a difficult topic. There's dieting for fashion, and then there's the dieting for health. While the former is odius, the latter can be necessary. But I know what you mean. And I can't believe you think your work didn't help. Yes, you are fighting against decades of powerful indoctrination. However, and this is a big however, you helped tremendously with my own body image. It's not perfect, and I have a long way to go. But you made an impact on me when I was 18.
Remember that I used to teach high school? It was quite discouraging that I couldn't reach everybody. I came to realize that if I could reach *1* person, I've done my job.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-25 05:05 pm (UTC)I'm not sure exactly what to say. You know that there is much of this I understand to a depth that few will (and there is much here that I DON'T understand, that others will understand far better; I don't pretend to understand it all). FWIW, I think that your choice to go on the antidepressants was a choice to live. At the time, you needed rest, and you could not give it to yourself. So you made the best choice you could for your son as well as for yourself. You gave yourself a chance to live. Now, it's time for you to come back from that twilight world, and to find your own center and source again. I have no doubts that you can do it, though it may--will, even--be challenging for you and those around you for a while.
Somehow, though, you must find a way to release or channel the emotional storm that is wracking you now. I've had plenty of people accuse me of being too much, too intense, too loud in a variety of ways. And I know how it feels to ME when I'm in the midst of my internal hurricane--no fun; no fun at all. Somehow, this passion that you and I have needs to be directed outward in a SAFE manner, so that it neither damages those around us, nor causes us to eat ourselves alive. I don't know what will help you. I know that others have suggested (repeatedly :^/) that I consider formal meditation. If you're not already doing so, you might want to consider stepping up your spiritual practice to include more meditation. It's possible that there's a meditation course through the city of San Leandro. Depending on timing and cost, I'd be happy to consider attending such a class with you, if that's of interest. I think it could help both of us.
Journalling is also good, of course, and I'm glad to see you doing it more. Just be careful not to focus so hard on the past that you lose sight of the fact that your life NOW doesn't have the same challenges--you need your energy to be dealing with present challenges, not endlessly re-hashing old ones.
I'm not sure what your current exercise possibilities are, but that's another excellent way to work out stress and bleed off some of the excess energy that otherwise disrupts your brain function. I've not been getting enough exercise lately, and I'm really starting to feel it, and not just in my body.
Being the focus of your love is, indeed a powerful thing. I know this, and I've never been the center of your universe. But I see it every day, in the form of the squirrel on my dashboard, and the cookie jar on my counter. :^) When you are able, you are an unending source of inspiration, hope, and love. My challenge to you now is for you to turn that inspiration, hope and love inward. Love YOURSELF as much as you do Rowan. Give yourself as much kindness as you would him. Believe me, I know what I'm asking here. And I know that you--that WE--can do it.
((((hugs))))
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 07:53 pm (UTC)More than that, thank you for your love. I do adore you.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-25 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 08:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-25 07:03 pm (UTC)We have much to talk about and much to share. Know for now that I love you, and that I understand.
Your sister in intensity,
Laura
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 07:59 pm (UTC)I have been wanting to visit you lately but find the stairs at Dreamland daunting, let alot parking in SF. Wanna visit the Warren?
no subject
Date: 2004-02-27 03:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 03:57 am (UTC)First and foremost, I support you and I support your efforts. As I'm finding out, love and lovers, life and living, and all the "stuff" that goes with it isn't something you can always very neatly package.
When I went on anti-depressants (lexapro), I felt like "me" again. The person that wasn't bothered by anything. The person who wasn't as obsessive or compulsive. I was more laid-back. In a way though, I was numbed. On the upside, because my mind wasn't so busy dealing with depression, I could think about the things that made me depressed. I don't think that ADs are a good long-term solution for me or even other people necessarily; it's important to try and work forward when you're on ADs if you can. When I came off, I had better ideas about what was bothering me and I was in a better position to deal with it as a result.
I love you.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 07:57 am (UTC)Well...
Date: 2004-02-26 04:41 am (UTC)Honestly, I would have to say that this would be easier on both of us to chat about rather than me trying to get the words together without writing a novel that you would then have to struggle through.
That and I am still struggling to find the words within myself.
Re: Well...
Date: 2004-02-26 07:55 pm (UTC)me too
Date: 2004-02-26 07:30 am (UTC)Re: me too
Date: 2004-02-26 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 09:17 pm (UTC)What was that girl like to you?
Did you ever walk along in the shadow of a big building, the late winter chill pressing in all around you, its icy touch sinking down to your bones, and then you walk out of the shadow into the sunlight, and instantly the warmth of the sun's rays soaks into your body, your skin tingling, relaxing your muscles, liberating your mind? That's what it was like to meet you.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-27 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 05:57 pm (UTC)So far, I like the "new" you even better than I did before. I'm very interested to see what you learn along the way. And I wish you luck in learning to be yourself again.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-26 08:06 pm (UTC)I am also happy for your planned help in bleaching/dyeing my hair. I so want to play with my look again.