Lost in the Storm

[purplerabbit]

Depression, despair, exhaustion, terror -- Do they have little faces for that? My hips scream in pain, every movement is an effort, but sitting or laying still hurts even more. My throat is working hard to keep the bile down. Does anyone else get nauseous when they get depression? My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth. (Explains why my teeth are cracking.) My body is so heavy it feels like lead.

Everywhere I look are disasters and messes I need to work on. How do you prioritize when life is hitting you over and over again -- like the ocean during a winter storm against a cliff? I don't have time to catch my breath. I feel like I am drowning. Worse, I feel like if I fail, others will also drown.

Everyone tells me how brave I am. How wonderful I am to work so hard to take care of my family. Do I have a choice? It doesn’t feel like it. How do I get through it? Do I have a choice? Like being caught outside in a blizzard. I hunch down, and force myself to keep going until I find safety. The only other option is to give up and die. And I hate the cold.

Sometimes giving up sounds appealing, but not when others need me. My mama needs me. My bright boy needs me. My lovely sweeties need me. I need me. I know life can get better. I just wish it would start doing it. I have been swallowing my pain and fear. I keep telling myself, “just a little farther.” I want to rest. I want to not be responsible for anyone or anything. I just can’t really imagine what that would feel like. Would it be like those dreams you have when you are drifting off to sleep and it feels like you are floating? I feel so heavy. Have I ever floated like that?

I wish I could find something I had done wrong to get myself (and the rest of my family) into this mess. If I could find the place where I could have done something differently, then maybe I could fix it. That would at least give me the illusion of control.

I am afraid to answer the phone these days. Unpaid bills and very aggressive collections people. Usually I don’t mind being in charge of the finances and bureaucratics of our lives. It is hard work even during good times, but at least I get a sense of being good at something that helps my family. Right now I just feel like a failure. We are overdrawn again. The bills are pilled up and I can’t pay them. I always make sure the rent and utilities are paid. I never ignore the bills. I am usually so good at handling them. But you can’t call and make payment arrangements when you know you don’t have the money to make even token payments.

But it is worse than that. We have no cash and we are running out of everything. I have always prided myself on covering our basics no matter what. We always have food. Once of my expressions is that “no one goes hungry at the Rabbit Warren.” I have five people to feed in the house now (if you count me).

I need to find mom a new doctor. But I have no idea how to pay for the visit or the drugs. Her prescriptions are running out. I already spent what money we did have on equipment rental such as wheelchair, electric bed, etc. Medicare is suppose to reimburse, but they tell me it takes a couple months. I am trying to get a visiting nurse, rehab and respite care. So much paperwork. And it takes so much time. And I can’t even take mom anywhere because we don’t have a ramp to get her in and out of the house. Again, it takes money and time.

And the mess. Did I mention the mess? I can barely move around this house. There are so many things that need to be put away. So many things that need cleaning or fixing. I keep telling myself, just keep working on it. It is getting better. You will get everything put away and then you can concentrate on getting your life back. Problem is that I am beginning to have trouble remember what life I am trying to get back.

Please, please let me find a way through. Oh, Inanna, strengthen and support me.

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. *hugs*

We have figs on the tree out back. Would you like them? I know it's not much, but I thought maybe a little food might help.

[daltong.livejournal.com]

All I have to offer right now is virtual hugs and sending more energy/prayers your way.

I'm thinking about more concrete things I can do. Y'all need help. This is too much for the 3 of you.

As my Mom always said: "This too shall pass." That probably doesn't help, tho.

[tapestry01.livejournal.com]

It probably doesn't help much, but everybody feels like what you're feeling, sooner or later. Everybody gets overwhelmed sometimes. Everybody has bad days. Heck, I've been overdrawn at the bank four times this year (and it's not like I regularly eat at places more expensive than McDonald's, either). Just hang in there-- things _will_ get better. Messes don't have to be cleaned up NOW. Finances don't have to be settled NOW. You don't have to be in control of EVERYTHING all the time. You'll get through this.

--What you should NOT do, however, is start thinking you deserve to feel like this, like you've done something "wrong" and now, by some karmic cycle of justice, you're being punished for your deeds. That's not how the universe works. People reap what they sow in life, sure... but sometimes, life just sucks. Sometimes, for no reason, by the luck of the draw, no response to any stimulus, life just sucks... That _doesn't_ mean life is gonna suck FOREVER. Things WILL get better. The fact that you've hung in there THIS long proves you're gonna survive. Believe in yourself--your friends believe in you very much.

Now, get some rest. Tomorrow will happen whether you've got all the answers or not, so you might as well be well-rested for the test. Take care.

[rosefox]

How easy would it be for me to get to your place from SF by public transit? Transit time is work time--I can't sit around online goofing off, so things actually get done--and I'm really good at sorting and filing and putting away, cleaning and fixing, doing something as simple as clearing a space on the dining table for a vase of fresh flowers to brighten things up. (I will even supply the flowers, though they may be origami flowers as long as I'm living off of my mother's support.) I suspect, knowing what little I do about you, that even a bit of order around the house will go a long way towards helping your comfort. And I'm awfully good at hugging people and being a completely nonjudgemental shoulder to cry on or ear to vent at. I won't therapize you, but if you want help in creating a safe space for such things, that I can definitely help with.