Lost in the Storm
Sep. 18th, 2002 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplerabbitDepression, despair, exhaustion, terror -- Do they have little faces for that? My hips scream in pain, every movement is an effort, but sitting or laying still hurts even more. My throat is working hard to keep the bile down. Does anyone else get nauseous when they get depression? My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth. (Explains why my teeth are cracking.) My body is so heavy it feels like lead.
Everywhere I look are disasters and messes I need to work on. How do you prioritize when life is hitting you over and over again -- like the ocean during a winter storm against a cliff? I don't have time to catch my breath. I feel like I am drowning. Worse, I feel like if I fail, others will also drown.
Everyone tells me how brave I am. How wonderful I am to work so hard to take care of my family. Do I have a choice? It doesn’t feel like it. How do I get through it? Do I have a choice? Like being caught outside in a blizzard. I hunch down, and force myself to keep going until I find safety. The only other option is to give up and die. And I hate the cold.
Sometimes giving up sounds appealing, but not when others need me. My mama needs me. My bright boy needs me. My lovely sweeties need me. I need me. I know life can get better. I just wish it would start doing it. I have been swallowing my pain and fear. I keep telling myself, “just a little farther.” I want to rest. I want to not be responsible for anyone or anything. I just can’t really imagine what that would feel like. Would it be like those dreams you have when you are drifting off to sleep and it feels like you are floating? I feel so heavy. Have I ever floated like that?
I wish I could find something I had done wrong to get myself (and the rest of my family) into this mess. If I could find the place where I could have done something differently, then maybe I could fix it. That would at least give me the illusion of control.
I am afraid to answer the phone these days. Unpaid bills and very aggressive collections people. Usually I don’t mind being in charge of the finances and bureaucratics of our lives. It is hard work even during good times, but at least I get a sense of being good at something that helps my family. Right now I just feel like a failure. We are overdrawn again. The bills are pilled up and I can’t pay them. I always make sure the rent and utilities are paid. I never ignore the bills. I am usually so good at handling them. But you can’t call and make payment arrangements when you know you don’t have the money to make even token payments.
But it is worse than that. We have no cash and we are running out of everything. I have always prided myself on covering our basics no matter what. We always have food. Once of my expressions is that “no one goes hungry at the Rabbit Warren.” I have five people to feed in the house now (if you count me).
I need to find mom a new doctor. But I have no idea how to pay for the visit or the drugs. Her prescriptions are running out. I already spent what money we did have on equipment rental such as wheelchair, electric bed, etc. Medicare is suppose to reimburse, but they tell me it takes a couple months. I am trying to get a visiting nurse, rehab and respite care. So much paperwork. And it takes so much time. And I can’t even take mom anywhere because we don’t have a ramp to get her in and out of the house. Again, it takes money and time.
And the mess. Did I mention the mess? I can barely move around this house. There are so many things that need to be put away. So many things that need cleaning or fixing. I keep telling myself, just keep working on it. It is getting better. You will get everything put away and then you can concentrate on getting your life back. Problem is that I am beginning to have trouble remember what life I am trying to get back.
Please, please let me find a way through. Oh, Inanna, strengthen and support me.
Everywhere I look are disasters and messes I need to work on. How do you prioritize when life is hitting you over and over again -- like the ocean during a winter storm against a cliff? I don't have time to catch my breath. I feel like I am drowning. Worse, I feel like if I fail, others will also drown.
Everyone tells me how brave I am. How wonderful I am to work so hard to take care of my family. Do I have a choice? It doesn’t feel like it. How do I get through it? Do I have a choice? Like being caught outside in a blizzard. I hunch down, and force myself to keep going until I find safety. The only other option is to give up and die. And I hate the cold.
Sometimes giving up sounds appealing, but not when others need me. My mama needs me. My bright boy needs me. My lovely sweeties need me. I need me. I know life can get better. I just wish it would start doing it. I have been swallowing my pain and fear. I keep telling myself, “just a little farther.” I want to rest. I want to not be responsible for anyone or anything. I just can’t really imagine what that would feel like. Would it be like those dreams you have when you are drifting off to sleep and it feels like you are floating? I feel so heavy. Have I ever floated like that?
I wish I could find something I had done wrong to get myself (and the rest of my family) into this mess. If I could find the place where I could have done something differently, then maybe I could fix it. That would at least give me the illusion of control.
I am afraid to answer the phone these days. Unpaid bills and very aggressive collections people. Usually I don’t mind being in charge of the finances and bureaucratics of our lives. It is hard work even during good times, but at least I get a sense of being good at something that helps my family. Right now I just feel like a failure. We are overdrawn again. The bills are pilled up and I can’t pay them. I always make sure the rent and utilities are paid. I never ignore the bills. I am usually so good at handling them. But you can’t call and make payment arrangements when you know you don’t have the money to make even token payments.
But it is worse than that. We have no cash and we are running out of everything. I have always prided myself on covering our basics no matter what. We always have food. Once of my expressions is that “no one goes hungry at the Rabbit Warren.” I have five people to feed in the house now (if you count me).
I need to find mom a new doctor. But I have no idea how to pay for the visit or the drugs. Her prescriptions are running out. I already spent what money we did have on equipment rental such as wheelchair, electric bed, etc. Medicare is suppose to reimburse, but they tell me it takes a couple months. I am trying to get a visiting nurse, rehab and respite care. So much paperwork. And it takes so much time. And I can’t even take mom anywhere because we don’t have a ramp to get her in and out of the house. Again, it takes money and time.
And the mess. Did I mention the mess? I can barely move around this house. There are so many things that need to be put away. So many things that need cleaning or fixing. I keep telling myself, just keep working on it. It is getting better. You will get everything put away and then you can concentrate on getting your life back. Problem is that I am beginning to have trouble remember what life I am trying to get back.
Please, please let me find a way through. Oh, Inanna, strengthen and support me.
