Thoughts like rain...

[purplerabbit]

Today sucked. I was so depressed that breathing seemed to hurt. I didn’t even leave my room all day until the guys came home. I had no appetite and I had no voice. I sat listening to the much too quiet house and wondering how I could make myself move.

When the guys came home, they shared their feelings too. We were all feeling the emptiness of our house/lives after our boy leaves. After seven years, I still don't know anything that really makes it better. There is always a "wrongness" to life without him that is surreal. It feels like finding oneself in a nightmare-ish Twilight Zone episode.

In the meantime, I keep focusing on the summer and our family plans. It gives me some comfort to have the next visit to look forward to. It helps that we have a date when he is suppose to come home. It will feel even better when Troy has a new job so I can buy the plane tickets and make more concrete plans.

fairieboy's last school day is June 6. So on the 7th, he comes home. He gets to stay at least until Aug. 11. We set his birthday party for June 10. We have the Ancient Ways Festival June 21-25. We will probably visit Seattle, too, in late July. And then there is our hope for a trip to see the Grand Canyon and family in Arizona.

My sister Beth (from Texas) will be visiting my sister Angela (in Arizona) July 7-15. So we are planning at least part of our vacation to coincide with her visit then. Now, if I could convince Sam (also in Texas) to visit then too -- my four sisters, our kids and my mom could all be in the same place at the same time. The guys say the universe may end though.

The last time my sisters and I were all together was when mom was unconscious and dying in a Florida hospital. We promised we wouldn't wait until her funeral to get together again. I know my family is loud and difficult, but I love them anyway. airshipjones and I both share this intense love of and loyalty to family that many people don't really understand.

Like most things, it is double-edged. I never seem to give up completely on anyone. There is still a part of me that hopes that even our ex will sometime let go of her anger and at least find peace with us. I like my sense of loyalty and forgiveness. Yet, I also think that sometimes it is healthier to give up on some people. I just have a hard time doing it.

Sometimes, when I am feeling melancholy like this, I begin to question all my relationships. I wonder if people really like me. It sometimes seems like I have lots of casual friends but few close ones. There are so few people I trust to even glimpse my inner struggles. Even fewer who I feel truly love me as I am and not for the person they project onto me. (And those mostly live far away -- like Seattle & Ireland.) There are times when even with so many “friends,” I still feel like the lonely little geek girl in Oklahoma.

This is all kind of rambling. I don’t want to overshare, but I am told (thanks, cyan_blue) that LJ is a place to overshare. (Lopsided grin.) Well, let me go see if I can put some of this angst into my novel instead.

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

(hug)

[tahari.livejournal.com]

Is it even remotely possible for you to (healthily) bear another child? You are so attached to your only one and you have two (supposedly fertile) males available. If I was getting this bent out of shape and had such a large family (I'm not poly-oriented but as a working class woman appreciate the value of every wage-earning adult) I would seriously be working on conceiving ASAP. My apologies if you have limitations that make this impossible. As you can see, I have no children and no easy way of conceiving one (so I might be saying something insensitive).

[purplerabbit.livejournal.com]

I know you are trying to understand, but it really doesn't work that way. My son is a unique person. My relationship with him is unique. Another child would not fill the same place in my heart, nor make me miss him any less.

I am also not fond of the idea of a parent having a child to replace another. My son is not dead. First, if it worked, how sad for him to be replaced like that. Second, if it didn't work, how sad for the other child. It isn't just being a parent I miss - it is HIM.

Lastly, even if I wanted to give birth to another child, that time is most likely past. Even if all of us agreed on the idea, I am 44. Odds are I wouldn't get pregnant, even lower that it would go to term if I did and not the safest proposition.

about "replacing" children

[tiggrrl.livejournal.com]

the_misha and I decided from the start that we were only going to have one child together, and when we talked to the doctor about getting him a vasectomy, she suggested that we wait until after Emmy is at least a year old "just in case anything happens". But if, gods forbid, anything happened to her, we know that wouldn't make us want another child, because no one could replace her, and we wouldn't want to try.

I guess that attitude is a bit more prevalent than one might think though.

[davesslave.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had the power to fix this situation for you so that you could have your son with you all the time.