Is there a target on my forehead?

[purplerabbit]

For the record, yesterday was fantastic. I had a wonderful relaxing and fun day.

Today, however, has not been so good.

A bit of history/explanation. I was raised as a feminist by a very energetic activist mom (thanks, redhadmary). Sometimes it has been quite a legacy to live up to. She was State Coordinator for Oklahoma NOW in the 70s. And it was particularly true when we both lived in Santa Cruz. I don't even know how many organizations she was active in while still working a full time job at the county. She won the Santa Cruz County Women's Commission Award for her activism.

I noticed was became more so when my mom and I lived there together. I became a fairly high profile activist on behalf of a number of issues, including body image, feminism, GLBT and pagan. And I continued this high profile, over-worked, over-scheduled pace while in grad school even after our son was born. And I started to work my way in that direction when we returned from Iowa, despite being very ill and depressed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the work. I love making a difference in the world. I care a great deal about both people and issues. But often, my own health and happiness took a back seat to "getting things done." It took the combination of being dragged by a car (resulting in hip damage and PTSD), my mom's illness, shattering my leg and, finally, developing fibromyalgia, to get me to back off and set a quiet pace for my life.

Yet, I really miss the work. I loved the work. I was good at the work. I know how to organize, get things done, fund raise and all those wonderful things that come with being a community organizer and activist. I guess I should having been trained to it since pre-teens.

What I don't miss, is painting a big target on myself. Whenever you take point on any endeavor, it seems always to attract people who want to hurt you. And they can get very personal and very nasty. I never liked being the "scapegoat." And attacks don't always come from the outside either. The ones that scare and hurt the most are the ones who see leadership in any form as taking away from them. And if you don't live up to their ideals 100% of the time -- then you must be evil, immoral and deserving of their anger.

Sigh.

What brings this up? Well, I popped my head out of my self imposed isolation. I have been missing being actively involved at the larger level than just my friend and family. I have been staff of the Ancient Ways Festival for most of the last 16 years. We as a family really love the festival. And we do see many ways that the festival needs improving to keep it a community resource safe for everyone. So last weekend, I attending a strategy meeting on the future of the festival. After a great discussion, uncledark and I agreed to facilitate a yahoogroup discussion list on the topic.

I created the list, with the two of us moderating to keep things civil. Within 24 hours of the list creation, there was already a pretty angry post. When the poster didn't get the reply she wanted, she tried to send a flame to the list. I intercepted and explained that it was not a productive way to handle conflict and unrealistic to expect long term issue to be resolved within 24 hours.

What I received for my trouble was a hateful, cruel written personal anonymous attack by someone who apparently has been holding some sort of grudge against me since my Santa Cruz days. Now this is not the first of these letters I have received over the years. And they always hurt. Maybe I am just not thick skinned enough. I just know that I am always frightened by such anger and hatred. It makes me want to stay quietly in my room and not come out again.

I have never understood why people who barely know me form such strong opionins of me. Even the positive ones can be a bit daunting (i.e. hard to live up to). The negative ones are truly frightening.

Comments

[beanolc.livejournal.com]

I have nothing to offer other than a hug.

*hug*

[zpdiduda.livejournal.com]

(((hugs))))

It can be very frightening to be the focal point of emotions like that from a known acquaintance, much less an anonymous one. I hope that you don't let this stuff shut you down, though. Your voice is important, and expressing it is important as well.

(((((more hugs))))

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

I get this one, unfortunately. *hugging you* You are a good soul, just remember that. *hugs*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

It's their own unresolved issues, not anything you've done... the anonymous nature is an indication.

(hug)

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

I agree. You are just a convenient mirror for the faces they want to see.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Exactly what I was thinking...

[kineticphoenix.livejournal.com]

*big huge hugs* I'm sorry they directed so much ugliness and angst in your direction, and that they have not bothered to work through it in a productive manner. I'm sorry you got hurt in the process.

I see the work you put into the community. And I love you, very much.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

What she said.

(hugs)

[weirdodragoncat.livejournal.com]

Obviously this person has nothing better to do with their time. I wouldn't even bother giving them the time of day.

You and I don't always agree but we've always managed to find a productive way to work out any issues. This person sounds like they just want to stir up trouble rather than find solutions.

[davesslave.livejournal.com]

It's always very painful and shocking when people choose to send something malicious. I suspect it's an unresolved issue inside the sender that has nothing to do with anything you've actually done. It still hurts, though, I know. *hugs*

If the target is there....

[chewt0y.livejournal.com]

It's because you've been a public figurehead, not because of who you are as a person. I adore you, and have been a sort of cosmic pariah in my own way. There are those who are afraid of something bigger than them. They're afraid of what can make a difference, and if they get under the skin of that something greater, it's a cort of cowardly stab before running away. The people in question do not form strong opinions about you as an individual, they've formed them about your public image, and what that means to them. I can't think of a single person who knows who Madonna is really. Yet very frequently, I'll hear..." oh, I love her....". She's made some fun music over the years, would I share a room with her if I had to just because she's famous, and has made fun music? no.
Be aware also that the brightest sparks and the most beautiful people are more often the gathering point, or universal lightening rod than would seem to make sense for all kinds of energies. The Shadows of the world are drawn to your flame, the stronger the light, the deeper the shadows. Bright flame also draws other bright flame. You are good and brilliant and wonderful. Know that none of it is because of who you are as a person.

[maiasaur.livejournal.com]

Never sit quietly. You are an amazing lady with a lot o say that the world needs t hear and a lot to give. They are just insecure asshats. *hugs* we (your friends) love you.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I am very glad you are who you are and you say what you say and do what you do.

I am sorry that some people are like that, and wish they were not. I wish I could make it hurt less or be less frightening, but I don't know how. Please don't let toxic people like that drive you back underground. You have just as much right to the sun and the light as do they. You are amazing and brave and wise, and I am glad you are you.