Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Straight, and/or Monogamous Friends?

[purplerabbit]

So I am working on the paper for the Journal that is due at the end of the month and I have a questions for folks. One thing my survey confirmed, is that 70-80% of the folks in my own friendship network define themselves as bisexual, and the same number as polyamorous. Personally, I don't feel I discriminate against folks who are not bi or poly. But clearly we have more bi and poly friends.

So for those who identify as gay, lesbian, or straight -- how does it feel when you are in a room of predominately bisexually identified people? What are the challenges for you? Are there benefits? What do you experience that is different from a setting where you are not in the minority?

The same questions for those who identify as monogamous -- how does if feel to be in a gathering of predominately poly people? What are the difficulties? Benefits? How does it compare to other situations?

You may answer either here or in email if you like. I really would like to understand this.

Comments

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

When I'm in a room full of Korean people speaking Korean, it's going to make me uncomfortable because I stand out in a crowd, I can't mingle and I have no idea as to what they're talking about or feel very welcome.

Everyone will feel off in a situation where they're *obviously* the odd man out. And that everyone else can easily tell that.

[beanolc.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine just yesterday referred to me as the token monogamist and it sent me rolling. :-)

In situations now, I don't even think about it, it doesn't make me feel different, and I don't feel left out or anything. When both sides are open minded, there's no issue. However, I have been around folks who have dismissed me because I'm in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship. In some cases, gentle reminders of inclusiveness were all that were needed. In other cases, it's an assessment of whether or not I really want to be around the person who will judge me by my relationships. I don't judge you by yours, why should you judge me by mine?

In short, it's usually a non-issue these days.

[bdot.livejournal.com]

i don't see how this example works in this situation... in a room full of korean speakers, a non-korean speaker is obvious. but in a room full of english speakers who all look basically the same as well, there is nothing to identify the polys from the monos or the straights from the gays from the bis..... except how they act and who they kiss! a straight-mono can mingle and converse just as easily with a gay-poly as they can with another staight-mono. in other words, they are not obviously different from anyone else in the room.

[bdot.livejournal.com]

as a current straight-mono, i feel no discomfort around my poly friends at all! heck, i dated several of them! the only thing that really bugs me is seeing/hearing folks making out (deep kissing) in front of others.. that is ok at one of those kinds of parties, but i don't think it is entirely appropriate in a family setting or a gathering that is not one of those kinds. i get very uncomfortable seeing that.. also, three people kissing each other at the same time kind of squiks me as well......

[ocicat.livejournal.com]

I indentify as straight, which is almost always a minority in social gatherings I go to, if only because over 90% of the women in my social circle are bi, and so are nearly 50% of the men. But this doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, because it's my social norm. Plus, I think bisexuality is inherently superior to being straight, I just don't happen to be that way. Which is really too bad.

But of course this is coming from the guy who's dated more lesbians than he has straight girls, so my perspective on these issues is skewed.

[hot-turkey.livejournal.com]

I put myself down as "straight" on your survey, but I think by many people's standards I would actually be classified as bi. I answered "straight" because when I look for new partners, I don't consider men as possibilities. This is not at all the same thing as saying that I'm never attracted to men, because I am. So, when I'm in a room full of people who identify as bi, I just wonder what they mean by the term. In my opinion, it's yet another label whose meaning has become so diluted that I'm skeptical of its usefulness.

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

there is nothing to identify the polys from the monos or the straights from the gays from the bis..... except how they act and who they kiss

It is possible that this is enough. A room full of polyfolk, all discussing their affairs... I know some people who are (at least technically) poly who don't like being in that kind of crowd. I can easily imaginge monogomous folk not liking it.

It may depend on the focus. If the crowd is mostly talking about something other than dating and sex, it would be easier to feel as if one fits in, no?

[thats-ms-dragon.livejournal.com]

I find that as a straight woman I have to be careful what I say to unknown or acquaintance level women in the room so that I don't feel that I am "leading them on" or creating discomfort. Sometimes I have had women presume that all of the women at a gathering were bi and who came on very strong.

I think that as a result, I give off a don't touch vibe at times that people feel is unwelcoming. So, in trying to stave off one uncomfortable situation, I create another. However, with women that I know well, this is not a problem at all and I know I can talk, be affectionate, and even be mildly flirtatious as my boundaries with them are already established.

*shrug* It doesn't bother me that much, but it has at times in the past. If you would like more information, I would be happy to elaborate.

Hope this helps.

[bdot.livejournal.com]

very true.....

[maiasaur.livejournal.com]

*raises hand* I am one of the technically poly who deliberately avoids poly group social things. I'm also mostly straight. My experience has been that many of the self-identified bi-poly folk also lack appropriate boundaries and seem to assume that because one is poly s/he is amenable to sexual advances. Conversation at said events seems to almost always center around people's sex lives. Just having some of the same sexual preferences does not make for social compatibility IMNSHO unless one can carry on a conversation about other things as well.

[goldfish42.livejournal.com]

Whoa! I tried explaining this to my family, when I said that I had disliked PolyCamp and was not planning to go back because I had very little in common with anyone I met there, and the event was not organized in such a way as to provide for or bring out common interests. They all were a bit confused: "but you had being poly in common with everybody there!" Yeah, and that was the only subject anyone wanted to talk about. :(