(no subject)

[purplerabbit]

Recently someone pretty much accused me of being bi-polar. I am not. Though I could see that if you read my livejournal without a lot of the context behind it, it might seem that way.

Life for me does seem to be more of rollercoaster than a buggy ride. My understanding of bipolar is that the person's emotions are doing the swinging up and down, not their actual circumstances.

Two and a half years ago I had one of those talks with my therapist at the time that always makes me wonder about how psychology theory does not take into account people with unusual lives. I seemed to be doing very well at the time and things were doing better at home. Troy had a job, Lon was finishing school and I was working on my dissertation. I told my therapist that this all had me worried. She said essentially, "why, things are going so well." I said that was the problem. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. That life was never that gentle with me and that I was always worried when it was. She talked about post traumatic stress and how I had to get over the negative thinking etc. Then I got the call from Florida that my mom was sick and I was needed. Most of you know that the two years following have been medical and finanical crisis upon crisis.

Weird stuff happens to me and in a frequency and to a degree that most would never experience. Most movies with this much drama would be considered far fetched. Troy has always said that I embody the old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times." I always identified with the card that said, "Believe it or not, my life is based on a true story."

I did not cause most of the trauma's in my life. I did not invite the violence done to me as a child nor as an adult. I did not choose to be born poor or have a life in which I always struggled for basics such as medical care or when I was young, even food. Neither they nor I caused airshipjones's lay-offs, mom's illnesses etc.

I will be damned if I will be blamed for having a real emotions in response to these events nor to the smaller joys and pains of daily life. If you haven't done so yet, try reading my intro page to this journal.

I will not give up the joy of loving for fear of the pain of loosing. It seems I tried that, even medicating myself so that I could survive. I needed the medication to get through it. But I can't life a life with my senses and emotions dulled by drugs. I was beginning to feel like a cold, empty shell.

In this journal, but in my life as well, I plan to continue self expression. I choose that over denial and dissociation. I will celebrate when something feels good and cry when something hurts. If my living my life with expression bothers you -- there's the door. If you have the courage to be my friend in this adventure we call life, know that, as airshipjones says, "It will never be boring."

Rant over, go back to meme's now...

Comments

*RAWR*

[shutt3rg33k.livejournal.com]

You tell 'em!

Paragraphs 1, 6 & 8 covered it perfectly. Frankly, no one deserves more than that from you, though it is very generous of you to even bother explaining.

*hugs*

kudos

[polydreamz.livejournal.com]

I certainly hope no one has asked you to self-censure. Considering the fire in your spirit, it seems to me such would be an act of futility. I applaud you for being yourself, inspite of other people's fears, and learning what that means to you today.

[paraquat.livejournal.com]

You and I have had so many parallels in our lives, and I have ever felt that we were very much alike. At times it has been a painful mirror, but I competely agree with your sentiments here. My life is never boring, nor are my emotions inappropriate reactions to what I've been through!
What has not killed us is making us stronger, even if it sucks sometimes!

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

I don't know exactly what comment prompted this post, but I do know that the same question (bi-polar) had occurred to me as I was reading your accounts of feeling so restless, and ending up driving around in the middle of the night. Not that you don't have a right to your feelings, positive and negative (which obviously you do), but that I was concerned that swings of that magnitude might indicate an underlying problem, and that attending to that problem (if it truly exists) could make your life smoother and better.

I would definitely not call that concern an accusation, however, and it may very well be that whoever accused you was feeling similarly to how I feel on the topic--concerned for you and your welfare, not judgmental about your reactions. It's hard to see ourselves from within ourselves, after all, and sometimes we need a mirror to help out.

(hugs)

Nothing wrong with being bipolar, but if you're not, you're not

[tobyiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

being someone who is, myself, bipolar, and having many if not most of my close friends/family also sharing that diagnosis, i take offense that someone would "accuse" you as if it were something that a) someone could control being, b) there is anything wrong with. i have thought about the question of whether you are bipolar, assumed that since you never said you were that either you weren't or it was none of my business, and left it at that. Logical argument: 1) bipolar people are often intense people, 2) purplerabbit is an intense person, 3) this does NOT mean purplerabbit is bipolar. bipolar people often/usually require medication to smooth out the peaks and valleys so that manic does not become destructive and so that depressed does not become suicidal. i take such medication, and am grateful for it. i'm also grateful for being bipolar, for i relish the peaks and valleys and intensity of thought and emotion. i also see the pain that comes with the condition, especially now watching my 3 year old daughter grow up with same. you and i have a lot in common, but bipolar is not one of those things. the hell with those who would lable you, it's not thier place.