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purplerabbitPlease read this if you have ever or might ever consider sending me a letter/email or other written communication about a conflict with me. Several people have suggested that I post this. It goes against my usual way of handling things to do so. Problem is that not everyone has had the time or taken the time get to know me well enough to know my feelings on this issue. Please take the time before you ever send me such a letter.
Emotional Green-Stamping
When I was a kid, we had Green Stamps. When you bought groceries, gas or whatever, a store would give you green stamps and booklets. When you filled up a blank book of green stamps you got to trade them in for fun stuff like appliances, decorations or camping gear. Emotional green-stamping is nowhere near as fun but some people seem to be quite into it.
Emotional green-stamping is when the person saves up little annoyances, disagreements or other negative reactions without actually communicating them to the person you are upset with. Then, when the book gets full, i.e. you can’t take any more, you cash it in. You hit them with all the nasty stuff you should have been telling them all along. By this time little things have grown into huge issues and so the impact is magnified. Of course, the other person is taken by surprise and usually very, very hurt. For them, this stuff came out of nowhere. They feel lied to by every time you didn’t say anything. They have been. It is emotionally dishonest and destructive behavior.
Some people will hit you with this stuff in person, usually when you make a small complaint or comment about some part of their behavior you don’t like. I have noticed that most people who want to write letters about conflicts are usually doing so to cash in their emotional green-stamps. This way, they not only didn’t take the responsibility to talk to the person as things came up in the first place, they are still avoiding taking responsibility now by hiding behind the letter/email rather than talking to the person.
Letter Bombs
A letter bomb is a letter about a conflict or conflicts you write and send to a person without even warning them, let alone getting their permission to do so. One ex-friend of mine actually went so far as to break into my apartment while I was gone for the weekend, ransack my place for any stuff she had loaned me, and then left an unmarked white envelope on my desk containing a twelve page letter of everything "wrong" with me. Another person posted such a letter to their livejournal account. Letter bombs catch you by surprise, they don’t even give you the chance to choose a better time to talk or be in the right mental place to listen. They are an ambush and they feel like it.
This is a subject I have very strong opinions about. This is probably because of two factors. First, I have received a quite a few letter bombs in my life. Second, because I am usually the one other people cry to when they have been hurt by "letter bombs" and/or "flame wars."
You should know up front that I consider sending someone a written letter about a conflict rather than talking to them face to face to be incredibly rude and insensitive. If you have been someone’s friend, especially mine, I believe you should have the courage and the courtesy to talk with them in person about any problems you have.
In my opinion, people usually use letters/email/livejournal to avoid having to take responsibility for possible pain their statements might cause the other person. People will often say the most horrible things that they would never have had the nerve to say to the person’s face. Often, things they should never have said at all.
If you are one of those folks who have trouble speaking, by all means write your feelings down. But please have the decency to present your concerns directly to the other person where you will have to see their reaction and give them the chance to respond. And always let the person know ahead of time what type of discussion/letter they are going to be involved in. If the other person thinks they are going to have a fun chat or are getting a nice card, that is an ambush.
If the other person will not talk to you about things and you have really tried, writing them down might be the only way. But this does not give you license to say all the mean and hurtful things you would be too much of a coward to say to their face. If you can’t write the letter with love, then you have no business writing it at all.
Private Discussion not Public Humiliation
Some people take this one step further and make such letter bombs into a form of public flogging. They send the letter to other people, to a listserve or email list or publish it on livejournal. Or they think that by confronting the person in a public place or at a party will give them some sort of protection.
As the geek girl in school, I spent years being publicly humiliated. I don’t take it well. Do that to me and I will most likely never want to speak to you again, read anything you have to say or even see your face again.
If you have a conflict, do not make it a way to publicly humiliate the person you are upset with. Talk to the person. Give them the opportunity to be in a place that they feel comfortable and secure. If you confront someone publicly, they will most likely become defense and angry. If you shame me publicly, I will never trust you again.
Why did I write this?
It comes up a lot with other people in the community as well. And some people who have sent me letter bombs have complained that they didn’t know it would be a problem. While I seriously doubt you could write a hurtful letter to a person and not know it would be a problem, I am making my effort to make clear here and for the record - do not send me your letter bombs. I have enough stress in my life. If you have a conflict with me, show me the courtesy of talking with me face to face. I make time for those who care.
Emotional Green-Stamping
When I was a kid, we had Green Stamps. When you bought groceries, gas or whatever, a store would give you green stamps and booklets. When you filled up a blank book of green stamps you got to trade them in for fun stuff like appliances, decorations or camping gear. Emotional green-stamping is nowhere near as fun but some people seem to be quite into it.
Emotional green-stamping is when the person saves up little annoyances, disagreements or other negative reactions without actually communicating them to the person you are upset with. Then, when the book gets full, i.e. you can’t take any more, you cash it in. You hit them with all the nasty stuff you should have been telling them all along. By this time little things have grown into huge issues and so the impact is magnified. Of course, the other person is taken by surprise and usually very, very hurt. For them, this stuff came out of nowhere. They feel lied to by every time you didn’t say anything. They have been. It is emotionally dishonest and destructive behavior.
Some people will hit you with this stuff in person, usually when you make a small complaint or comment about some part of their behavior you don’t like. I have noticed that most people who want to write letters about conflicts are usually doing so to cash in their emotional green-stamps. This way, they not only didn’t take the responsibility to talk to the person as things came up in the first place, they are still avoiding taking responsibility now by hiding behind the letter/email rather than talking to the person.
Letter Bombs
A letter bomb is a letter about a conflict or conflicts you write and send to a person without even warning them, let alone getting their permission to do so. One ex-friend of mine actually went so far as to break into my apartment while I was gone for the weekend, ransack my place for any stuff she had loaned me, and then left an unmarked white envelope on my desk containing a twelve page letter of everything "wrong" with me. Another person posted such a letter to their livejournal account. Letter bombs catch you by surprise, they don’t even give you the chance to choose a better time to talk or be in the right mental place to listen. They are an ambush and they feel like it.
This is a subject I have very strong opinions about. This is probably because of two factors. First, I have received a quite a few letter bombs in my life. Second, because I am usually the one other people cry to when they have been hurt by "letter bombs" and/or "flame wars."
You should know up front that I consider sending someone a written letter about a conflict rather than talking to them face to face to be incredibly rude and insensitive. If you have been someone’s friend, especially mine, I believe you should have the courage and the courtesy to talk with them in person about any problems you have.
In my opinion, people usually use letters/email/livejournal to avoid having to take responsibility for possible pain their statements might cause the other person. People will often say the most horrible things that they would never have had the nerve to say to the person’s face. Often, things they should never have said at all.
If you are one of those folks who have trouble speaking, by all means write your feelings down. But please have the decency to present your concerns directly to the other person where you will have to see their reaction and give them the chance to respond. And always let the person know ahead of time what type of discussion/letter they are going to be involved in. If the other person thinks they are going to have a fun chat or are getting a nice card, that is an ambush.
If the other person will not talk to you about things and you have really tried, writing them down might be the only way. But this does not give you license to say all the mean and hurtful things you would be too much of a coward to say to their face. If you can’t write the letter with love, then you have no business writing it at all.
Private Discussion not Public Humiliation
Some people take this one step further and make such letter bombs into a form of public flogging. They send the letter to other people, to a listserve or email list or publish it on livejournal. Or they think that by confronting the person in a public place or at a party will give them some sort of protection.
As the geek girl in school, I spent years being publicly humiliated. I don’t take it well. Do that to me and I will most likely never want to speak to you again, read anything you have to say or even see your face again.
If you have a conflict, do not make it a way to publicly humiliate the person you are upset with. Talk to the person. Give them the opportunity to be in a place that they feel comfortable and secure. If you confront someone publicly, they will most likely become defense and angry. If you shame me publicly, I will never trust you again.
Why did I write this?
It comes up a lot with other people in the community as well. And some people who have sent me letter bombs have complained that they didn’t know it would be a problem. While I seriously doubt you could write a hurtful letter to a person and not know it would be a problem, I am making my effort to make clear here and for the record - do not send me your letter bombs. I have enough stress in my life. If you have a conflict with me, show me the courtesy of talking with me face to face. I make time for those who care.
