PhD Update

The last few weeks have been a difficult and intense process of trying to convince my previous Anthropology department to readmit me so that I can finish my dissertation and get my Ph.D. They have been putting me through the ringer with multiple drafts of prospectus and letters from my adviser which repeatedly try to discourage me from continuing in the process. Yet, they have not yet said no. Obstacle after obstacle but not a refusal. It is hard and I hope that they are just testing me. A dissertation is hard enough to write without having my confidence and morale attacked at every turn.

Here is an except from the last letter I sent my adviser:

I am sorry that committee members have such "low confidence" in my abilities. I do not share their judgment. I know I am capable and willing to do what it takes to finish the work I began. I would not have written you had I not been certain. In fact, part of the delay in contacting you was to make sure that I could before asking. Yes, I would like the committee to meet. I am willing to answer any questions they have. I would be willing to fly out there and meet with people as well.

I understand the need for the tight deadlines. In fact, I too want this process to go ahead quickly. I have already made all the provisions to spend the equivalent of a full time job (or more) on the dissertation for the next 6-9 months.

I have no illusions that this will be easy. After the last few years, I doubt I have many illusions left at all. I do have determination. I am not willing to give up. If I was willing to give up, circumstances of the last few years gave me plenty of good excuses to do so. I don't want a good excuse to walk away. I want to do the work.

Her response was to ask for yet another, this time expanded, version of the prospectus. My committee will meet the week after Thanksgiving to discuss the matter and decide whether or not to ask the department to readmit me. They will want to "question" (read grill) me on the phone as part of the process.

Meanwhile, I am still trying desperately to reread the original theoretical material that I will need before beginning the writing again. I need to spend a couple days at the UC Berkeley Library updating my reference materials and other cites. And I am still working on getting the tapes transcribed. One friend was able to put in a few afternoons last week and I will contact others who have volunteered. Meanwhile, I still haven't even found most of the interview tapes. I need to go through storage again looking for them.

Sorry if I haven't reached out to friends lately. This is all quite overwhelming. I have to keep focused. I miss my friends and love to hear from you. Don't be worried if I don't respond to email or am distracted when you talk to me. It isn't you. Most of my mental and physical energy is going into this fight. Thank you for your support.

On a lighter note...

In reward for so much hard work and because I was feeling both anxious and down, I spent some time on my novel last night. Fans of the story will be happy to know I finished Chapter 18.

I find the most challenging moments of writing the novel is trying to describe emotional/physical sensations that I have experienced but have never seen described in a way that captures my experience of the sensations. There are several sections of this chapter that attempt to do that, which is one of the reasons I think it took longer than some others.

Here is a short quote trying to describe that particular way that someone you love can smell. After his first kiss with Saquel, here is Ahmehas' response:

The smell and taste of her was truly amazing. He had never experienced anything like this before. Desire yes, but not this amazing combination of excitement and comfort. It was the way home should smell. Only Ahmehas had never had a home. He wanted to wrap himself up in her like a warm blanket in the cold. He wanted to never leave home again. He pulled his head back enough to look down into her green eyes. He felt warmth spread through his entire body. He smiled into her eyes and felt like a happy fool.

On Writer's Block

The following is something I posted in response to another person's request for suggestions of dealing with writer's block. I thought I would repost it here because it tells a bit about my process.

As you probably are well aware of from my journal, I have suffered through some pretty intense writer's blocks over the years. I also have three nonfiction books out and am a good chunk into my novel.

My suggestion is to find a ritual that works for you. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. I have found that it requires an altered state of consciousness for me to write well. In my youth, sleep deprivation and stress provided that. I have found other ways now.

First, I make sure I have a quiet comfortable space to work in. Tea and munchies at hand so there won't be excuses to leave the work. When I am working on the novel, I mix myself an herb tincture that helps focus my mental and physical energies. I meditate/charge the portion, calling upon the spirits of the characters and my patron deity to help me focus, to help the words flow from my heart. Then I put on music that suits the mood of what I want to write. Sometimes nothing happens. Most times, magic happens.

For the nonfiction work, I surround myself with the materials I will draw from. I charge a special candle to the work at hand. I reread and reread the related material until it sparks something in my mind.

I would also suggest to not be afraid of starring off into space for hours at a time. Most of writing for me at least is thinking. Typing the words is only a small fraction of the process.

Hope this helps... Feel free to talk with me any time. Sometimes chatting about what you want to write can prime the pump.

Book meme

So I tend to avoid memes but found this one post by bdot fun given my strange reading habits:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence (I repeat: sentence, not line).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal, along with these instructions.

Next to me are two books the same distance and both fun to quote from so here it goes:

"Deliberately he ran his thick, obscene tongue over his blood-smeared lips in a grotesque display." (from Dark Gold by Christine Freehan, a vampire romance.)

"To understand Greek pederasty we must try to see it as the Greeks did: an institution more about pedagogy than pleasure, less about sex than class, and always about the nobility of the penis." (from A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis by David M. Friedman).

big grin...