Day After

First thought upon waking...

There will be no morning boy-snuggles today, nor for many months. No point in getting up then...

Except I have to feed the fish since he isn't here to do so. I promised.

Last Night's Blind Date

So I have been very very restless lately. I decided to do something I haven't done in years. (Been a lot of that for me lately.) I have answered some personal ads. The internet makes that so much easier than it was last time I did. I have a had a couple of dates for drinks/coffee.

Let's face it, I am a geekophile. I just don't seem to have chemistry with "normal" people. I had some nice conversations since I do enjoy people. But they just don't turn me on. Doesn't matter how nice a photo they have or anything else. Non geeks just don't turn me on. No spark.

I met the guy at 9 PM in the city and was still home before midnight. Gave me a chance to work on my writing.

Of course, the date I had with a fellow geek earlier this week got me writing too -- but that was pure inspiration, lots of spark, actually more like a bonfire. I need more fire. Fire pretty, fire warm.

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Fire burns. Fire hurts.

Damn, are my choices to freeze to death or burn?

I was a fire dancer before my leg was shattered. I could dance in the flames and not burn. Now everything seems to freeze or burn me. My passion always seems to leave me with ashes. My caution leaves me feeling cold and empty. No winners, only losers.

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Recently someone pretty much accused me of being bi-polar. I am not. Though I could see that if you read my livejournal without a lot of the context behind it, it might seem that way.

Life for me does seem to be more of rollercoaster than a buggy ride. My understanding of bipolar is that the person's emotions are doing the swinging up and down, not their actual circumstances.

Two and a half years ago I had one of those talks with my therapist at the time that always makes me wonder about how psychology theory does not take into account people with unusual lives. I seemed to be doing very well at the time and things were doing better at home. Troy had a job, Lon was finishing school and I was working on my dissertation. I told my therapist that this all had me worried. She said essentially, "why, things are going so well." I said that was the problem. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. That life was never that gentle with me and that I was always worried when it was. She talked about post traumatic stress and how I had to get over the negative thinking etc. Then I got the call from Florida that my mom was sick and I was needed. Most of you know that the two years following have been medical and finanical crisis upon crisis.

Weird stuff happens to me and in a frequency and to a degree that most would never experience. Most movies with this much drama would be considered far fetched. Troy has always said that I embody the old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times." I always identified with the card that said, "Believe it or not, my life is based on a true story."

I did not cause most of the trauma's in my life. I did not invite the violence done to me as a child nor as an adult. I did not choose to be born poor or have a life in which I always struggled for basics such as medical care or when I was young, even food. Neither they nor I caused airshipjones's lay-offs, mom's illnesses etc.

I will be damned if I will be blamed for having a real emotions in response to these events nor to the smaller joys and pains of daily life. If you haven't done so yet, try reading my intro page to this journal.

I will not give up the joy of loving for fear of the pain of loosing. It seems I tried that, even medicating myself so that I could survive. I needed the medication to get through it. But I can't life a life with my senses and emotions dulled by drugs. I was beginning to feel like a cold, empty shell.

In this journal, but in my life as well, I plan to continue self expression. I choose that over denial and dissociation. I will celebrate when something feels good and cry when something hurts. If my living my life with expression bothers you -- there's the door. If you have the courage to be my friend in this adventure we call life, know that, as airshipjones says, "It will never be boring."

Rant over, go back to meme's now...